The New Statesman1987

[Alan's Mother has turned up, dressed as a tramp, and asking to live with him and Sarah]

Alan:
Alright, Mother, you can stay. You can live with us till the day you die, or next Sunday, whichever's soonest.

Alan's Mother:
Did you hear that? Veiled threats, Sir Piers! I'm frightened to go home with him now, in case he murders me.

Piers:
Oh, surely not!

Alan's Mother:
He tried before, when he was seven.

Alan:
I told the police at the time, I left that roller skate at the top of the stairs by accident.

Alan's Mother:
What about the bath of acid at the bottom of the stairs?