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[Alan's Mother has turned up, dressed as a tramp, and asking to live with him and Sarah]Alan: Alright, Mother, you can stay. You can live with us till the day you die, or next Sunday, whichever's soonest.Alan's Mother: Did you hear that? Veiled threats, Sir Piers! I'm frightened to go home with him now, in case he murders me.Piers: Oh, surely not!Alan's Mother: He tried before, when he was seven.Alan: I told the police at the time, I left that roller skate at the top of the stairs by accident.Alan's Mother: What about the bath of acid at the bottom of the stairs?

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