The Whitest Kids U'Know2007

Angry Mormon Father:
[constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
Yes, father.

Petrified Mormon Mother:
Timothy, your father and I...

Angry Mormon Father:
SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
[nods] Yes.

Angry Mormon Father:
However, today is your thirteenth birthday!

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.

Angry Mormon Father:
Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I...

[he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]

Angry Mormon Father:
Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11:30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!

Petrified Mormon Mother:
[murmurs incoherently]

Angry Mormon Father:
SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake.

[they touch hands]

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!

Angry Mormon Father:
Happy birthday, son.

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
Thank you, sir!