Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road2006

Bill Engvall:
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops, yeah.

[applause]

Bill Engvall:
Here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine.

[whoops and hollers]

Bill Engvall:
[laughing] Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
I bought a escalator for my house.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Just 'cause it conveniently fits underneath the bed.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
That's how they get you. You ever been flipping through that magazine, not paying a bit of attention? All of a sudden, this will catch your eye: "Tired of your knees touching when you sleep?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Well, now that you mention it, yes I am!

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And they sell some stupid stuff in there. Have you seen that rubber thing you put on your shoes? And it says "You can aerate your own lawn."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
[laughs] Okay, how big a loser are you, stomping around your yard? "I'm saving money."

[stomps around the stage, to raucous laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Don't get me wrong; it works.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.