Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road

Larry The Cable Guy:
This doctor says to this feller, "i got bad news and worse news." He says, "ohhh, whats the bad news?" the doctor says, "you've got 24 hours left to live." Then he says, "whats the worse news?" the doctor says, "i forgot to call you yesterday."

Bill Engvall:
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

Ron White:
Theres this cruise ship and theres a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight. The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything. "ohh, he's puttin it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "he put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "its in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk." And the magician just hated this bird. and one night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked and the bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tane and blows the ship to a billion peices. the only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little peices of wood and the parrot goes "Alright i give up. Wheres the damn ship?"

Bill Engvall:
For about two weeks after that, my wife and I would be sitting at the breakfast table and there would be two or three coyotes sitting watching the back yard. And you'd know the conversation went something like this: "Naw, hell no, don't go in there, that little dog's a setup."

[pause]

Bill Engvall:
"I ain't lyin', ask Joe what happened to him!"

Bill Engvall:
I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, "Where you going?", I said, "I've got my yearly physical today." "I'll go with you!" OK, how boring is your day? I'd never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It's not like we'd be breaking any new ground! It's not like I'd go, "Hey Doc, what's that?"

Bill Engvall:
So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee!

Bill Engvall:
Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was "Don't fart!" Yeah, you've thought about it, haven't you! 'Cause when you're standing up and you've got gas, you can clench it in. When someone's rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you're bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.

Bill Engvall:
Can't have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. "The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean." Really? You'd think someone would have caught that!

Bill Engvall:
My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, "What does he need that for?", and she says, "So he don't got to bend his neck to eat!" I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he's limber enough to eat! She said, "It helps his digestion!" I said, "His digestion's just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning."

Bill Engvall:
We've got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they're cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it's like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, "That dog's gonna have back problems right there." No kidding! It's got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here's another one, Doc Obvious. That right there's a boy dog and he's 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!

Bill Engvall:
Then we got my dog, Duke, he's a basset hound. Duke's the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can't teach that. That's just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn't know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That's why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I'm like, "Duke! Mama needs some lovin'!"

Bill Engvall:
I took Duke to the vet 'cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, "Isn't that unusual?" and he says, "No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it'll make him stop." I said, "What's it do?" He says, "It makes his turds taste bad." [lengthy pause as audience is laughing hysterically] "I'm sorry, Doc, did you just say 'it will make his turds taste bad'?" Let me tell you something, if you've stooped to eating turds, you've never uttered the phrase, "Oh my God! This is nasty!"

Ron White:
My wife and I came into Washington, D.C. on a tour bus, and she had never been to D.C. before. We were crossing the Potomac, and she asked, "What's that building right there?" And I said, "Well, it was a Hooters during the Clinton administration, then it was the Lincoln Memorial, now it's a Cracker Barrel, so, welcome!"

Ron White:
We've been playing at all these Indian casinos hopping from reservation to reservation. Here's how well my mother hears at 70 years old. We were at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida on the Seminole Reservation. I called my mom, and I heard my dad in the background asking, "What'd he say?" and she goes, "He said in Hollywood, you need reservations to get a cinnamon roll!" Close enough, Mom!

Ron White:
Our next stop was to Ft. Myers, Florida and Sanibel Island, which was where Jimmy Buffett lived when he wrote "Margaritaville". The only way to get to Sanibel Island is to cross a little rickety bridge. A little rickety freakin' bridge! I expected to see a troll and some billy goats! This bridge is so rickety, the speed limit is 5 mph, and I got a ticket! The officer asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" "I don't know, 8, 9? My foot slipped off the brake!" "I clocked you at 11 mph. More than twice the legal speed limit!" [puts his wrists together as if he is asking to be handcuffed] "Take me to jail. I'll make a million dollars telling this story if you take me to jail for going 11 mph."

Ron White:
My wife and I have a tour bus on which we have 3 dogs, 2 of which are Scottish terriers, because if you drink enough Johnnie Walker products, eventually they just send you the dogs. Our Scottish terriers' names are Birdie and Bogey, and someone said, "That's cute. You named your dogs after your golf game." I said, "If I named my dogs after my golf game, they'd be named Double Bogey and Where The Hell Is That Ball Going." Which is kind of a long name for a pet.

Ron White:
So as I'm picking up dog turds, I notice one that is massive even by Sluggo standards. I look at this turd, which looks like it says something. So I go in the house and get my glasses, 'cause I can't read sh*t without my glasses. And upon closer examination of this turd, it does say something. It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo has eaten and shat whole a golf glove, velcro and all. I rinsed it off and I've been using it for three weeks.

Ron White:
I'm chastised in the media for my position on the death penalty. And the media doesn't know the half of it. Like in the Mussawi case, if I were to set the execution date, I would set it for 1 a.m. on the day we set clocks forward. "Looks like you got another hour left, Mussawi. Nope. Spring forward, a**hole!"

Jeff Foxworthy:
If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".

Jeff Foxworthy:
If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".

Jeff Foxworthy:
This one goes out to the younger ones out there. If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no "gangsta", pull your pants up! Your back pockets should not be behind your knees!

Jeff Foxworthy:
This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.

Jeff Foxworthy:
If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

Bill Engvall:
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow's nest says, "Enemy ship ahead!" The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt." And the servant says, "Uh... okay." So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn't loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, "Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Wh- Why your RED shirt?" And the captain says, "Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn't see the blood and would continue to fight on!" The sailor said, "Oh! That's brilliant, right there!" The next morning, the guy in the crow's nest yells, "20 enemy ships ahead!" The captain then said, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Larry The Cable Guy:
I can't stand the hot dogs at Home Depot, they go right through you. I ate one and twenty minutes later I had a big brown snake playing "peek-a-boo". And somebody at Home Depot has to put up a sign that says the toilets over there are for display ONLY!

Bill Engvall:
I thought I nearly broke my ribs, 'cause I'm an idiot. Well, what happened is I bought my son a trampoline. Yeah, you see where this is headed? Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.

Bill Engvall:
Ever set your hair on fire? [Raises hand] Me too! And not the hair on my head. [Audience laughs, assuming it's the hair in a more "personal" area] Oh, shall we not go to the gutter so quickly? It was the hair on my arms. I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. [Mimes holding a magnifying glass over his arm] Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he IS that stupid."

Bill Engvall:
Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. 'Cause we're idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn't think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We're straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, "Hey man, older women." [Grins] "I'll go first." Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I'm flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat's getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, "Thunk!" Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom's in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, "Bill's dead!" About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, "Waaaaaa!" Boy I wish I had've died!

Ron White:
[Man shouts something at Ron] No, you can't sir. Stop begging for booze!

Jeff Foxworthy:
Now, I'm sure alot of you are going, "Jeff, I don't know, when it comes to clothes, if I dress like a supermodel, or a redneck." Well, i have a few clues to help you tell. If the most expensive thing you ever bought at the mall came from the food court, you might wanna pay attention. If your bra is a darker color than your shirt, you might wanna pay attention. If your wife dusts the furniture with your best pair of underwair, you might wanna pay attention. If people can see your butt crack 24/7, you might wanna listen up. If you've mastered the art of putting on makeup with your non-smoking hand... while driving with your knee, you might wanna pay attention. And if your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, some of this might be aimed at you.

Bill Engvall:
My wife goes, "Bill, you got too much stress," and I said, "I don't got any stress," and she goes, "Bill, you almost got kicked off an airplane!" Good point. Well, what happened was I got on this plane, it's an early morning flight, and they board us and I take out my Game Boy and start playing it while they are still boarding. Yeah, I know, Lord forbid I read a newspaper or Time magazine. I gotta get Scooter to Level 9! But I'm minding my own buisness, playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden, the pilot comes on. He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be a little delayed. They didn't put enough gas on the plane." Why would you make that announcement? Make something up! Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish and you got the runs, tell me *something*! Don't tell me we don't got enough gas on the plane. That's like number two on the check list for, "It's OK to takeoff!" Keys, GAS! See, the way the process works in my little brain is that the gas truck pulls up next to the plane, the pilot sticks his head out the window and goes, "Fill 'er up!" Yeah, I get the one pilot in America, "We're going to Vegas, give me 5 bucks, we'll be alright." There's nothing I can do about it, so I just keep playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden the flight addendant walks by and y'all, I might as well've been building a plutonium bomb. She *flips*, and she goes, "Sir, sir! You need to shut that off right now!" I'm 48 years old. Now all of a sudden I'm 6. "Bu-bu-bu... but if I shut it off, then Scooter'll die and I'll have to go back to Level 1!" And then she said it. She said, "Sir, do you know where the on/off switch is? [Rolls eyes] I said, "Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button." I said, "Yeah, I know where the on/off switch is. Do you know where the gas cap is?" And you know, a body cavity search isn't so bad if you just relax...

Larry The Cable Guy:
One night, I was looking at the stars through my telescope because my neighbor had put her top back on, and one of my buddies called and said, "You wanna go fishin' tomorrow?" And I'm like, "Darn right! Git-R-Done!" And he said, "Well, we have to be on the lake at 5 am." Come again? 5 am? You couldn't get me on a cheerleader at 5 am, I'll tell you that. Well, you could, but she'd have to bring her own rod.

[Jeff's picture has been Photoshopped into a gay pride parade]

Bill Engvall:
What's with the glasses?

Ron White:
You look at that photo and the GLASSES bother you? What about the two sailors in assless chaps? Did you notice them, Bill?

Jeff Foxworthy:
[to Bill, through a fit of laughter] He's got a point.

Bill Engvall:
[seeing a picture of Jeff dressed up like Peter Pan] Dude, you've got to kill your wife.

Jeff Foxworthy:
I got to tell you, I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this. He had to leave a New Year's Eve party to be here tonight. I'm not saying Ron drinks, but I hugged him and my vision is blurry.

Larry The Cable Guy:
[about a photo of Ron from the 70s] First there was the Bee Gees, then came the heebie-jeebies.

[about the DHS heightened state of awareness rainbow]

Ron White:
If I'm standing on line to get on a plane and the guy in front of me needs two loads of phlegm to pronounce his name, I'm checking his shoes for fuses!

[laughter]

Ron White:
And I don't care who knows it, either. And it's not being racist. It's profiling.

[laughter]

Ron White:
I almost got run over today by a mobile paper shredding unit. I'm in Georgetown, they've got them on every street corner. These gigantic... evidence getter ridder ofers.

[laughter]

Ron White:
Can you call them up if you've got a body you don't need around?

[laughter]

[taking his wife deer hunting]

Jeff Foxworthy:
She would not shut up the entire time. We're walking through the woods, and she's like "It is so dirty out here. I cannot believe leaves and sticks are everywhere. Can you believe how dirty it is? Nobody ever cleans this up? Oh, God, look at that. I got mud on my new boots. Oh, I hope that comes out. I love these little boots. You know, they were originally a hundred and twenty nine dollars, but I got them for fifty-nine ninety-five. You wanna know why? They're last year's boots. I don't think anybody will know, do you? Oh, God, there's a bug on my pants! Get him off, get him off, get him off! Well, don't kill him, he's just a little bug! He's probably looking for his bug family! Here, hold my binoculars, 'cause I gotta straighten my hat up. Are my bangs even? Are they really even, or are you just saying that? Are they even? Does this coat make me look too fat? I don't like this coat. I liked it when I first put it on, but now I think it makes my hips look fat. Don't you think so? Where are all the deer? You said there were going to be deer out here, I don't see one single deer. Is this gonna take a long time? How... how come you're putting your gun in your mouth?"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Fashion rule number five. It is okay to wear a t-shirt with nothing written on it. I don't know what it is about rednecks. We never have to write a r?sum?, because you can learn everything you want to know about us by reading our clothes.

[laughter and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You give me a redneck man's t-shirt drawer, I can tell you what kind of truck he drives, what radio station he listens to, who he roots for in NASCAR, what he likes to hunt, who his favorite college football team is, his philosophy on life, and where he went on vacation the last twenty-one summers.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And you give me his windbreaker, I'll tell you what kind of cigarettes he smokes.

Jeff Foxworthy:
I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

Jeff Foxworthy:
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You know, just huge. I mean, from a distance, she looked like a poodle riding a Hippety-Hop. I mean, like...

[pantomimes, to raucous laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And there's no telling how big her butt really was, 'cause she had it *packed* in these jeans. I mean, it was crammed in there. I could hear the zipper crying.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You got the feeling that some night, some guy was going to get her home, get that top button unbuttoned, and that thing was going to come flying out of there like a Navy life raft. You know...

[pantomimes again]

Jeff Foxworthy:
But the thing that was intriguing about it was she had this attitude like she was the hottest thing on the planet. And I love big girls that think they're sexy. 'Cause I think guys look at them kind of like we do those rodeo bulls. You know, we're like "I bet I could ride it. But I'd probably get hurt."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
So anyway, I signed her books for her, and when she went to walk away, she wasn't just walking, she was strutting. I mean, you know, like popping it. And I'm watching her 'cause I'm scared she's going to knock over some little kids or something.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And my brother leaned over and tapped me on the arm, and he said "That looks like two blue Volkswagens trying to pass each other on a gravel road."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Also, with t-shirts, guys, if you weigh more than four hundred pounds, it's not okay to wear a t-shirt that says "No fat chicks."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You ought to be wearing one that says "I whipped anorexia's ass."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And do *not* wear an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt if you're by yourself.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And if you do, well, I'd say that's right.

Bill Engvall:
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops, yeah.

[applause]

Bill Engvall:
Here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine.

[whoops and hollers]

Bill Engvall:
[laughing] Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
I bought a escalator for my house.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Just 'cause it conveniently fits underneath the bed.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
That's how they get you. You ever been flipping through that magazine, not paying a bit of attention? All of a sudden, this will catch your eye: "Tired of your knees touching when you sleep?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Well, now that you mention it, yes I am!

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And they sell some stupid stuff in there. Have you seen that rubber thing you put on your shoes? And it says "You can aerate your own lawn."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
[laughs] Okay, how big a loser are you, stomping around your yard? "I'm saving money."

[stomps around the stage, to raucous laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Don't get me wrong; it works.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.

Jeff Foxworthy:
This guy's mother-in-law comes to live with them, and she's been living there for about a week, and he comes home one day and she's laying on the floor, and he calls 911 and the ambulance comes and gets her and they take her to the hospital. And he's out in the waiting room, and the doctor comes out after a while, and the doctor said "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The guy said "Well, all right, give me the bad news first." He goes "All right. Your mother-in-law is not gonna die." He said "She's had a massive stroke." He said "In fact, she's probably gonna live twenty or thirty more years." He said "The... the problem is this thing has rendered her unable to speak." He said "She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now." He said "It's also disabled her from using her arms, and she can't feed herself." He said "For the next twenty or thirty years, you're gonna have to feed her baby food three times a day." He said "Also, it's made her incontinent. You're gonna have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day of your life." The guy said "Oh, my god." He said "What's the good news?", and the doctor just goes "I'm just kidding with you. She died."

Ron White:
This guy is taking flying lessons. He's talking to his buddy, he says "First day in the air, the instructor informs me he's an eighth degree black belt and a homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances, I have to jump out of the plane." And his buddy goes "Well, did you jump?", and the guy goes "Yeah. A little at first."

Larry The Cable Guy:
This feller's going hunting with his buddy, and he's got the scope up and he goes "Oh, my lord. I can see your house from here, and your wife's cheating on you with another feller." And he says "I've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts", and he said "I'll get that in one shot."

Jeff Foxworthy:
[about his book "The Redneck Dictionary"] Because of the book, I was doing a lot of book signings, and one of the last ones I did, I did a five hour book signing at a Wal-Mart one Saturday afternoon. And during that five hours, I had a revelation, and that is there's not a whole lot of supermodels shopping at Wal-Mart. It's pretty much just us rednecks, you know? And... and we... we don't wear stuff 'cause some magazine say it's the latest style. We wear stuff because it's comfortable, and if you can't look at it and keep your lunch down, that's your problem. But as kind of a spokesman for this portion of the population, I got to thinking "You know, it has reached the point where we do need a few redneck fashion tips."

Bill Engvall:
[telling their favorite jokes with a traditional setup and punchline] Ronny, you got a joke?

Ron White:
Nope.

Bill Engvall:
All right.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
His... his mind's like a Lazy Susan. If you'll just bear with us, it... it'll come back around here in just a minute.