Bob & Tom Radio: The Comedy Tour2006

Bob Zany:
It's time for a little thing I do. I don't know if you may have heard of it. It's called the Zany Report! Anybody want to hear the Zany Report?

[cheers and applause]

Bob Zany:
Yeah! Yeah! Thank you. You know, I did this the other night, and a lady in the front row was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of her breasts.

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
That's not funny part. The guy next to her? Lactose intolerant.

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
The Los Angeles City Council has outlawed urination and defecation in public. The members said "It's been our number one and number two priorities."

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
Viagra may cause blindness. Patients said "We didn't see that coming."

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
Gentlemen, listen up. Men who do housework get more sex than those who don't. There's a caveat: they're also more likely to be rushed to the emergency room with their penis stuck in a vacuum.

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
[grabbing his crotch] I got your eight-pound Oreck right here.

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
[waving to audience members in the raised balcony] Just think, if you would have shown up early, you could have had better seats.

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
Former president Clinton said during open-heart surgery, he had visions of death. Then the nurse asked Hilary to leave the room.

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
Hang on, I got your bipartisan comedy. Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is writing a book. It's tentatively entitled "The Only Dick I Love is My Daddy".

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
Yeah! According to the World Health Organization, the SARS virus can live four days on a toilet seat, beating out Elvis by three.

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
I told that joke in Memphis, I got *nothing*! Remember that climber who got his arm trapped in between a bolt and then he cut off his own arm to escape? They asked him if he'd do it again, and he said "Yeah, but only one more time."

[laughter]

Bob Zany:
There's the Zany Report, right there for you. A little Zany Report.