Dark Shadows2012

Carolyn Stoddard:
I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you.

Barnabas Collins:
Do not fear, my child. I simply seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time... Land. And who better to tutor me than a woman of your age? What is your age, if I may?

Carolyn Stoddard:
Fifteen.

Barnabas Collins:
Fifteen and no husband. You must put those birthing hips to good use at once lest your womb shrivel up and die.

Carolyn Stoddard:
You're weird.

Barnabas Collins:
But do you think me too weird for a woman of this... land?

Carolyn Stoddard:
You obviously mean Vicky.

Barnabas Collins:
She has the most fertile birthing hips I have ever laid eyes upon.

Carolyn Stoddard:
You're way too weird.

Barnabas Collins:
Do you really think so?

Carolyn Stoddard:
You're all stiff, proper and old-fashioned.

Barnabas Collins:
And Victoria... Is she not proper?

Carolyn Stoddard:
She likes to pretend she's rock 'n' roll. She's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.

Barnabas Collins:
Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?

Carolyn Stoddard:
The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.

Barnabas Collins:
Ah, music. Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I am a picker, I am a grinner / I am a lover and I am a sinner / I play my music in the sun" If only Shakespeare had been as eloquent.

Carolyn Stoddard:
Okay. If you wanna get with her, you're gonna have to change your approach. Drop the whole weird Swinging London thing and hang out with a few normal people.