[The Old Man accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it] Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone. Ralphie: Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge. Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word. The Old Man: [stunned] What did you say? Ralphie: Uh, um-- The Old Man: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on. Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Huh. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me. [Ralphie gets into the car.] Mother: Everything go alright? [Ralphie doesn't answer.] The Old Man: [closes the trunk and checks his watch] Ah! [Ralphie watches The Old Man gets into the car] Mother: 8 minutes. The Old Man: You know what your son just said? Mother: No. What? The Old Man: I'll tell you what he said. Randy? [He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mother's ear.] Mother: [shocked] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! RALPHIE!!!! [scene cuts to Ralphie with soap in his mouth] Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand-- Ralphie: [disgusted] Yuck! Mother: You ready to tell me? Ralphie: [mumbles and nods his head.] Yes. I'm ready to tell you. Mother: [removes soap from his mouth] All right. Where did you hear that word? Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind. Ralphie: Schwartz! Mother: [satisfied] Oh. I see. [puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth] Ralphie: [screams with soap in his mouth] Mom, wait, don't go! Oh, what. Mother: [dials Mrs. Schwartz] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said? [Mrs. Schwartz indistinguishable] No. He said... [inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word into the phone] Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone] No, Not THAT! Mother: Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it? Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone] Probably from his father. Mother: No! He heard it from your son! Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone, angrily screaming] WHAT?! WHAAAT?!?! WHAAAAAT??!!??!! [She is heard in the background smacking Schwartz, and Mother covers her mouth in shock.] Schwartz: AAAAHHH!!!! OHH, WHAT'D I DO, MOM?! WHAT, I DIDN'T DO NOTHING!!! AAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [Mother winces as Schwartz screams and bawls in pain, She then hangs up] Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice. Mother: [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look! you're gonna get it!

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