A Christmas Story1983

[The Old Man accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it]

Ralphie as an Adult:
[narrating] Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.

Ralphie:
Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.

Ralphie as an Adult:
[narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.

The Old Man:
[stunned] What did you say?

Ralphie:
Uh, um--

The Old Man:
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.

Ralphie as an Adult:
[narrating] It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Huh. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

[Ralphie gets into the car.]

Mother:
Everything go alright?

[Ralphie doesn't answer.]

The Old Man:
[closes the trunk and checks his watch] Ah!

[Ralphie watches The Old Man gets into the car]

Mother:
8 minutes.

The Old Man:
You know what your son just said?

Mother:
No. What?

The Old Man:
I'll tell you what he said. Randy?

[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mother's ear.]

Mother:
[shocked] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! RALPHIE!!!!

[scene cuts to Ralphie with soap in his mouth]

Ralphie as an Adult:
[narrating] Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--

Ralphie:
[disgusted] Yuck!

Mother:
You ready to tell me?

Ralphie:
[mumbles and nods his head.] Yes. I'm ready to tell you.

Mother:
[removes soap from his mouth] All right. Where did you hear that word?

Ralphie as an Adult:
[narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie:
Schwartz!

Mother:
[satisfied] Oh. I see. [puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]

Ralphie:
[screams with soap in his mouth] Mom, wait, don't go! Oh, what.

Mother:
[dials Mrs. Schwartz] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said? [Mrs. Schwartz indistinguishable] No. He said... [inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word into the phone]

Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone] No, Not THAT!

Mother:
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?

Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone] Probably from his father.

Mother:
No! He heard it from your son!

Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone, angrily screaming] WHAT?! WHAAAT?!?! WHAAAAAT??!!??!! [She is heard in the background smacking Schwartz, and Mother covers her mouth in shock.]

Schwartz:
AAAAHHH!!!! OHH, WHAT'D I DO, MOM?! WHAT, I DIDN'T DO NOTHING!!! AAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [Mother winces as Schwartz screams and bawls in pain, She then hangs up]

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.

Mother:
[takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look! you're gonna get it!