Ted: So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
John: Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
Samantha: I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
John: Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And, look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.
Ted: Oh... Oh, that's great. That's fucking great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
John: What?
Ted: What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still fucking billing us!
John: Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
Ted: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this thing, and I wouldn't be a fucking thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
John: Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
Ted: Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
John: Ted!
Samantha: Who's Gollum?
John: She's a model. Ted, come back.
Ted: Leave me alone!
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