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Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today? Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those Ladies' things. Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown. Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look. Hawkeye Pierce: Morning Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she... Frank Burns: Mind your own business. Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that? Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all? Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself. Hawkeye Pierce: or does she go "uh-uh-uh"? Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me! Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one? Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for god's sake. Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.

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