Father Ted Crilly: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding.Father Fintan Stack: [Smugly] Yes I am!Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think you're a very rude man.Father Fintan Stack: [Still smug] If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.[Father Ted, Father Rory and Father Ken look uncomfortable and embarrassed. Door opens, sending beer cans everywhere. Dougal staggers in, he is drunk]Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, where did you go?Father Dougal McGuire: [Slurred] Ted! How are ya? [Lunges forward and hugs Ted, who pushes him away]Father Ted Crilly: [Shocked] Dougal, what the...Father Dougal McGuire: Guess what, Ted?Father Ted Crilly: What?Father Dougal McGuire: [Confused] What?Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, have you been drinking?Father Dougal McGuire: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! [Puts his arm around Ted] No no, wait wait... [Winks at an amused Father Stack]... No, I haven't!Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.Father Dougal McGuire: [Shaking Ted] Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. [Drunkenly unenthusiastic] We're all going to heaven lads, wahey.Father Fintan Stack: [Quietly amused] Perhaps I should explain. Your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.Father Ted Crilly: [Outraged] Well, this is the last straw!Father Dougal McGuire: [Holding some car keys] I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... [Collapses, dropping the keys. Father Stack retrieves them]
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