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Coach Oleski: Malcolm, there you are. You know Ira James, right? All-State fullback, state single-season rushing record... Who'm I kiddin'. He's probably never even talked to you. Ira's graduating this year. He's got interests from six Division 1-A colleges. Full rides. The problem is, each school wants him to write a personal essay on his application.Malcolm: So...Coach Oleski: So, Ira's an idiot. I mean, hamster idiot. And that's only if we're talkin' about a really stupid hamster.Ira: Mom says I have other nice qualities.Coach Oleski: Since you're the smartest kid in school, I want you to help him write his essays.Malcolm: I wish I could, but I've got like three midterms next week.Coach Oleski: Look, you don't understand. Ira is a football player. That means when he needs somethin', it's up to you non-football kids to do it for him. The cheerleaders understand it. Look, I'll make it worth your while. I'll let you out of gym for the rest of the semester.Malcolm: I don't mind gym.Coach Oleski: [scoffing] Sure you don't, braniac!

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