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[first lines]Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Brian Kinney, a father.Michael Novotny: [on the phone] It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Would you give the guy a break?Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] Couldn't be any worse than my Daddy was.Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Or mine. Not that I remember him.Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] So what's next? PTA Parent, Little League coach, Scout master?Michael Novotny: [on the phone] They don't allow queers into the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.Michael Novotny: [on the phone] You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Who, Brian?Michael Novotny: [on the phone] No, the baby. Imagine, he's only been in the world an hour and already he's pulling his pud.

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