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Emmett Honeycutt: Ted, have you ever asked yourself: 'Is going to tea-dances with Brian and having indiscriminate sex with countless strangers is really the life I want?'Ted Schmidt: I have. And the answer is, you bet your ass it is.Emmett Honeycutt: Have you ever wondered yourself, 'Is this the life God wants for me?'Ted Schmidt: Well, I suppose in his infinite wisdom, he decided that somebody had to live in Pittsburgh.Emmett Honeycutt: Have you ever wondered 'Is there a better life?Ted Schmidt: Yeah, I could have a ten-inch dick and look like him.

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