Mike: [to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.Guard: Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.Neil: Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.Mike: Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?Guard: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."Neil: Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?Guard: Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?Vyvyan: It's my mascot!Guard: A pig?Vyvyan: No!Guard: It is.Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.Guard: Looks exactly like a pig.Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.Guard: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?Vyvyan: Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.Mike: Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.Rick: Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]Pig: [in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.[Bambi enters]Guard: Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.Bambi: Scumbag College? So you finally made it.Mike: Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi![Neil is crying softly]Rick: Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?Neil: I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...Vyvyan: Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.Neil: That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!Vyvyan: It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".Neil: [gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?Bambi: So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.Rick: Well, are you going to let us win?Bambi: No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]

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