The Young Ones, Series 2

Mike:
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.

Guard:
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

Neil:
Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.

Mike:
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?

Guard:
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."

Neil:
Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?

Guard:
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?

Vyvyan:
It's my mascot!

Guard:
A pig?

Vyvyan:
No!

Guard:
It is.

Vyvyan:
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.

Guard:
Looks exactly like a pig.

Vyvyan:
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.

Guard:
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?

Vyvyan:
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.

Mike:
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.

Rick:
Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]

Pig:
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.

[Bambi enters]

Guard:
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.

Bambi:
Scumbag College? So you finally made it.

Mike:
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!

[Neil is crying softly]

Rick:
Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?

Neil:
I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...

Vyvyan:
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.

Neil:
That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!

Vyvyan:
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".

Neil:
[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?

Bambi:
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.

Rick:
Well, are you going to let us win?

Bambi:
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.

[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]