Mike: Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?Rick: Um, eh...Between my legs.Vyvyan: [takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.Rick: Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.Vyvyan: What a revolting thought!Mike: This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!Vyvyan: oh certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]Rick: You Bastards! That's my record player!Mike: You said it was your record player!Vyvyan: No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!Mike: Oh yeah, yeah it is yours RickRick: Yes it is now give it backVyvyan: OK!Rick: [holding back tears]...my parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed them all!Rick: That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...Mike: Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!Rick: Yes well never mind all that now, I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...(Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg) oowww!!!Vyvyan: Ahh looks like supper's ready! (watches as Neil is trying to hammer the plates to the table) Neil, we're not having broken crockery again, that's my recipe.Neil: I'm not cooking Vyvyan, i'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.Vyvyan: Neil is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table. I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid Hippy.Neil: No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you okay, so like sit down.Rick: What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?Neil: That's not important RickRick: Well I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottomVyvyan: Well I've got a couple of seats in my carRick: All right we'll have to use them thenVyvyan: No they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?Rick: No no no better idea, we'll go out there!Vyvyan: Ah ha (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)Neil: No wait guys guys, what about my scary story?Vyvyan: Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!Rick: Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape NeilVyvyan: No that's no good, my cassette's bust!Rick: Oh then you'll just have to come out there with usVyvyan: No good either i've only got two seatsNeil: I could go in the boot?Vyvyan: No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?Neil: Oh right yeahMike: Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear) Squat down?Neil: Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.Rick: Brilliant, squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.Neil: well... (Rick interrupts him)Rick: Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?Neil: That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means??Vyvyan & Rick: Yes it means.. (Neil stops them)Neil: Yeah, it means we've got a polterghoost!!MIke: Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thingRick: Yeah don't be such a spasbo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.Neil: Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?Vyvyan: Erm well, i did that actually, like this (pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on)Vyvyan: See! Corr, Mike's floating!! Hows that done then?Rick: Arrggghhh!! Get a Priest, get a Vicar, i believe in God!Mike: Never mind a Priest, call an ambulance!Vyvyan: Why Mike?Mike: I've just nailed my legs to the table!!

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