The Young Ones, Series 2

Mike:
Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?

Rick:
Um, eh...Between my legs.

Vyvyan:
[takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.

Rick:
Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.

Vyvyan:
What a revolting thought!

Mike:
This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!

Vyvyan:
oh certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]

Rick:
You Bastards! That's my record player!

Mike:
You said it was your record player!

Vyvyan:
No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!

Mike:
Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick

Rick:
Yes it is now give it back

Vyvyan:
OK!

Rick:
[holding back tears]...my parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!

Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed them all!

Rick:
That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...

Mike:
Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!

Rick:
Yes well never mind all that now, I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...(Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg) oowww!!!

Vyvyan:
Ahh looks like supper's ready! (watches as Neil is trying to hammer the plates to the table) Neil, we're not having broken crockery again, that's my recipe.

Neil:
I'm not cooking Vyvyan, i'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.

Vyvyan:
Neil is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table. I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid Hippy.

Neil:
No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you okay, so like sit down.

Rick:
What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?

Neil:
That's not important Rick

Rick:
Well I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom

Vyvyan:
Well I've got a couple of seats in my car

Rick:
All right we'll have to use them then

Vyvyan:
No they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?

Rick:
No no no better idea, we'll go out there!

Vyvyan:
Ah ha (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)

Neil:
No wait guys guys, what about my scary story?

Vyvyan:
Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!

Rick:
Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil

Vyvyan:
No that's no good, my cassette's bust!

Rick:
Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us

Vyvyan:
No good either i've only got two seats

Neil:
I could go in the boot?

Vyvyan:
No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?

Neil:
Oh right yeah

Mike:
Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear) Squat down?

Neil:
Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.

Rick:
Brilliant, squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.

Neil:
well... (Rick interrupts him)

Rick:
Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?

Neil:
That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means??

Vyvyan & Rick:
Yes it means.. (Neil stops them)

Neil:
Yeah, it means we've got a polterghoost!!

MIke:
Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing

Rick:
Yeah don't be such a spasbo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.

Neil:
Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?

Vyvyan:
Erm well, i did that actually, like this (pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on)

Vyvyan:
See! Corr, Mike's floating!! Hows that done then?

Rick:
Arrggghhh!! Get a Priest, get a Vicar, i believe in God!

Mike:
Never mind a Priest, call an ambulance!

Vyvyan:
Why Mike?

Mike:
I've just nailed my legs to the table!!