Are You Being Served?, Season 1

Captain Peacock:
Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe, I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.

Mr Humphries:
Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.

Mr Lucas:
But he hasn't asked for a glass of water.

Mr Humphries:
He will!

Captain Peacock:
Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Grainger:
Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries:
Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
Is Mr. Lucas free?

Mr Humphries:
I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Peacock:
Now, Lucas. Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written. (Reads the note thrown by Mr. Lucas to Miss Brahms) "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half-past five and we'll get it together." (Mr. Lucas drinks a glass of water) Now then, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote this note. (to Mr. Grainger) Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?

Mr Grainger:
I don't even understand it!

Mr Humphries:
Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers", you'd say, "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?

Mr Grainger:
I very much doubt it.

Captain Peacock:
Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?

Mr Humphries:
No, but thanks for the compliment.

Captain Peacock:
Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.

Mr Lucas:
Shall I leave now or work till 5:30.

Captain Peacock:
Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future in abeyance. What you will do is apologise to the ladies department for the distress you have caused.

Mr Lucas:
Now?

Captain Peacock:
Yes, now!

Mr Grainger:
Yes, now!

Mr Humphries:
Well, you came out of that very well.

Mr Lucas:
But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there, and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.

Mr Humphries:
If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.

[Mr Lucas walks over to the the ladies department and pulls a funny face]

Mr Lucas:
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe:
At the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas:
I'm... I'm afraid I've, I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe:
Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?

Mr Lucas:
Well, you know that note that you thought came from Captain Peacock?

Mrs Slocombe:
Yes.

Mr Lucas:
Well, it was from me.

Mrs Slocombe:
Well, I should've guessed all the time, shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas:
What?

Mrs Slocombe:
I've seen the way you've been looking at me!

Mr Lucas:
What?

Mrs Slocombe:
(in a sexy voice) But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes. You should've come across in the open and come out with it!

Mr Lucas:
Should I?

Mrs Slocombe:
You shouldn't be so shy. (in a sexy voice) You know, you're more attractive than you think.

Mr Lucas:
Am I?

Mrs Slocombe:
(checking her watch) Ooh, it's 5:30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside! (in a sexy voice) Mind you, I'm not promising anything.