Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Fraser:
[Dictating to his secretary] Now I wanna get out the day after tomorrow, Pamela, so can you ring up Heathrow, check the flights to Malaga and ring up Vicky, tell her what you've booked me on and when I'm expected, okay?

Pamela:
Alright, Mr. Fraser. Are you gonna be stoppin' at the villa?

Fraser:
You bet your sweet butty, I will! [Dennis enters the office.]

Dennis:
Oh, if you're busy, Ally, I'll come back later on, alright?

Fraser:
Oh no, no, you get yourself in here right now! [Outside, Oz looks at the damage done to the Jag while Big Baz looks on.] Pamela, er, book me a table at La Travatore for three at eight o'clock.

Pamela:
Okay...

Fraser:
And close the door, Pamela. I'm not taking any calls. [She leaves the office and closes the door. Dennis looks worried.] So... where did you bugger off to?

Dennis:
Look, Ally, what happened was...

Fraser:
When I for a well-deserved vacation, I do not expect my staff to do the same!

Dennis:
It wasn't like that...

Fraser:
Nor do I expect them to have the audacity to take my Jag, which Billy now informs me has got a crumpled left wing.

Dennis:
Look, I've already obtained an estimate...

Fraser:
I thought I'd be away for about three weeks, but I felt comfortable in the knowledge that I had people here I could rely on, someone to hol the fort, Dennis. Someone to make my presence felt, even though I was in absentia.

Dennis:
It won't happen again, Ally!

Fraser:
Well that might be the truest thing you ever said, my friend!

Dennis:
Look, if I'm in for a caning here, fine, but don't milk it! I've been to Wolverhampton, I'll tell you for why - one of me mates I worked in Germany with called us up, because he's getting married and he wanted his house fixing up. He called everybody up. So A - I wanted to see me mates again, and B - I thought it would do me soul good to do two weeks honest graft, instead of brown-nosing for you 'cos I owe you six grand!

Fraser:
[Taken aback, but calm... and already thinking] Did they all show up?

Dennis:
What?

Fraser:
These pals you were in Germany with?

Dennis:
Most of them, yeah. Why?

Fraser:
They're reliable workers, are they, Dennis?

Dennis:
For what they do, aye. Top rank. Why?

Fraser:
You eaten today?

Dennis:
Not really, nah.

Fraser:
Nor me, I've been chasin' around like a fart in a colander. [Looks out the window and shouts] BAZ! GET YERSELF UP HERE! [Big Baz enters the building. Oz follows him thinking Dennis is in trouble. Fraser shows Dennis some pictures of a former manor house.] You see this house?

Dennis:
Yeah?

Fraser:
It needs a conversion. I need a bunch of reliable cowboys in there. Your lads could fit the bill, right?

Dennis:
Well, I dunno, they've got their own lives to lead, haven't tha?

Fraser:
Oh, Dennis, Dennis, people don't do people favours. If they can afford two weeks out of their lives to go to Wolverhampton, it proves they've got sod all else better to do. I mean they sound just the kind of blokes who would do a lot of work for a bit of money without too much form filling in or VAT. You hearing what I'm saying?

Dennis:
Oh, I know exactly what you're saying! Well I could ask them. They might be interested.

Fraser:
Do it, Dennis. I need this. [Big Baz enters the office]

Big Baz:
You wanted me, Mr. Fraser?

Fraser:
Oh aye, Baz! Yes. We're famished. Would Indian suit you, Dennis?

Dennis:
Oh, fine. Fine.

Fraser:
Right, well we'll have the, er, lamb tikka, one chicken tandoori, the, er... couple of onion bhajis, the special rice for two... [Oz enters the reception and makes a beeline for Fraser's office]

Pamela:
[To Oz] Er, please, you cannae go in there! [Oz enters the office anyway]

Dennis:
Oz?

Fraser:
Who the hell are you?

Oz:
[To Fraser] Ne'er mind who I am, I kna who you are!

Dennis:
Oz, man!

Oz:
[To Dennis] It's alright, I'll handle this. [To Fraser] Listen, I kna all about your reputation, right? I couldn't give a monkey's chuff about it, but I'll just tell yer this - one finger on him... [Points at Dennis] ...and you'll get that! [Pounds his fist against the palm of his other hand] Alright? [Fraser nods to Big Baz to deal with Oz] Oh, aye? [Without flinching, Oz headbutts Big Baz! He starts kicking him]

Dennis:
OZ, MAN! For Christ's sake, man!

Oz:
It's all right, he dae you nae more trouble.

Dennis:
He wasn't gonnae, he was only gannen for a tandoori chicken!

Oz:
...What?

Fraser:
Who is this lunatic?

Dennis:
Look, it's all been a mistake! This is Oz, man. He's one of the lads I was workin' with in Germany I was tellin' you about.

Fraser:
Was he, now?

Oz:
Er... I'll meet you outside, I'll wait by the car, shall I? [He exits, leaving Big Baz groaning in pain on the floor.]

Fraser:
Not too many people chin Big Baz! [To Dennis, about Oz] Make him chargehand.