Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Hazel:
Milk or sugar?

Wayne:
Yeah. Both, please. [She hands him a cup.]

Hazel:
Have some cake. It's fresh.

Wayne:
I won't say no. [She cuts a slice of cake. Wayne hands her a plate and she puts the slice on it.]

Hazel:
[Sighs] I find this rather difficult, Wayne, because I don't know you. But, d'you know, I feel as though I do through Barry, 'cos you were his closest friend in Germany, weren't you? [Wayne looks confused] He said you used to do things together, y'know, visit museums on his motorbike.

Wayne:
[Lying] Yeah, yeah. I miss that(!)

Hazel:
Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you. About Barry.

Wayne:
Oh look now, Hazel, if it's about last night, I've told you, it weren't the lads' fault...

Hazel:
I'm not talking about the Chinese restaurant, Wayne. I'm talking about the entire last two years. Our engagement, in fact.

Wayne:
Ohhh. Been goin' out on the piss a lot, is he? ...'Scuse me, I mean, has he been sort of, er, goin' out with the lads, havin' a couple of...? [Makes a drinking motion]

Hazel:
No, no. When has he had a chance? That poor lad went to the Falklands, you know. And he did that for us, for our house, for our future.

Wayne:
Well, I don't quite see what you're driving at, Haze.

Hazel:
Well... sometimes I have to ask myself if he's ever had a chance to, you know, slow down, take stock, and ask himself if this marriage is what he really wants.

Wayne:
I see... [Puts down his cup and plate, then pulls out a Snoopy plush toy he'd been sitting on and puts it aside] ...or is it, er, have you had a chance?

Hazel:
[Glances down] Maybe. With all the sacrifices he's made, my emotions are a mixture of guilt and gratitude.

Wayne:
It's a bit late in the day for all that, ain't it, love?

Hazel:
It's with all you lot arriving and finishing the house. Suddenly everything seems so much more... well... imminent.

Wayne:
Well... how can I help?

Hazel:
I thought, well, while you were up here, you might have a word, you know, just the two of you, and try and discover his real feelings. Would you do that for me?

Wayne:
Yeah. That's all right, there's no bother.

Hazel:
Oh, thank you.

Wayne:
See... all these pre-marital jitters is par for the course, like, you know.

Hazel:
All that's behind you now, isn't it? Barry showed me a picture of your wife. She's... she's very pretty, isn't she?

Wayne:
...Yeah, yeah. Very.

Hazel:
Oh, why don't you ask her to come up at the weekend?

Wayne:
She's in Germany.

Hazel:
Visiting family?

Wayne:
[Quiet] Sort of, yeah... she's there indefinitely. Now look, don't tell Barry or the lads about this, eh?

Hazel:
No, no. Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it, no.

Wayne:
Well, look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this under the circs, should I? But you mustn't worry about your Barry. Sound as a bell, Barry. Not like me! [Chuckles] I'm a bit of a flake, you know, a Jack the Lad. Always have been. Suppose that's why she left me. She said, "I'll come back when you grow up!", she says. [He and Hazel laugh] Could take a bit of a while, that, eh?