Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Neville:
[To Wayne] Aye, 'ey, we were talking on the way up about Barry. Well, at least about Hazel postponing the wedding.

Wayne:
[As the lads find a table and sit down] I know a bit about that as it happens.

Dennis:
How would you know?

Wayne:
Well... as I was giving the lovely Hazel a lift home back to her place, she invited me in. Before Barry showed up, she told me the whole situation.

Oz:
[As the others start eating] What? You mean poor bloody Barry got back and found you two ensconced? It's nae wonder the wedding's off.

Wayne:
Bollocks, Oz. I wouldn't jump a mate's bird, not at three in the afternoon.

Oz:
Just as well for him it wasn't half past, innit?

Wayne:
Look, she needed someone to confide on, all right? She thought I was his best mate or something.

Neville:
So what'd she say?

Wayne:
Needed time to think. Was it for the right reasons? Re-evaluate the relationship. Blah-blah-blah. Anyway, the point is, she's got cold feet.

Oz:
Well if yer kna that, you must've had your leg over!

Wayne:
All right. End of story. Shouldn't have mentioned it, should I?

Bomber:
Funny though, whenever us lot get together, it spells trouble for someone.

Neville:
So what are we doin' back together?

Oz:
'Cos we're misfits, man. We're drifters. [Looks out onto the motorway] Drifters on the highway of life... [Returns to his seat] as Merle Haggard might have said.

Moxey:
I don't see it that way meself. No, we're drifters, yeah. But that's 'cos we're free spirits, rebelling against a system that wants to grind us down. I think comradeship's got a lot to do with it. It c-counts for me, anyway. That's why I'm here. Not just to help out Barry, but to be wit' you lot. Even you, Oz.

Oz:
[Stuffing his face] Oh, thank you(!)

Moxey:
I'm gonna get a donut. [Leaves the table.]

Dennis:
Strange lad, that lad.

Neville:
Yer kna, in all the time I've known Moxey, I think that's the longest speech I've ever heard him make!

Oz:
Well, if he was that keen to see us, then his life must be pretty bloody desperate, mustn't it?

Wayne:
No, Moxey's right, we're free spirits embarking on a great new adventure. We're The Magnificent Seven, and Dennis is Yul Brynner! [They all laugh]

Oz:
Aye, he's got aboot the same amount of hair.

Dennis:
Oh, aye? Very funny, very funny, aye. Look, we're not going off to repel some marauding Mexicans, yer kna! We're only gannin back to laying bricks for a couple of months.

Oz:
Oh, aye? We might as well be in Mexico, mightn't we? Bloody Derbyshire, that's in in the middle of naewhere, isn'it?

Wayne:
I'll be Horst Buchholz, 'cos like, he was the youngest and best looking, weren't he?

Oz:
Aye, but he were also the most boring bastard, wasn't he?

Wayne:
All right, all right...

Oz:
He was the one that was always taggin' along, the other six kept havin' to tell 'im to piss off.

Neville:
I think Barry should be Yul Brynner, 'cos he's the one that brought us together.

Bomber:
[Shakes his head] Can't see that somehow. He's not a natural leader, is Barry.

Oz:
Aye. James Coburn, me. 'Cos he was... [Takes a used knife from the plate of an adjacent table] cool, and... [Puts the knife down his boot] ...laconic, weren't he?

Neville:
Well, since the situation's vacant, I'll be Steve McQueen.

Wayne:
No, hold on, I forgot about him.

Neville:
Oh, howay!

Oz:
You piss off! You chose the Kraut, so you're stuck with 'im!

Bomber:
Well where does that leave me?

Wayne:
Charles Bronson, innit?

Dennis:
Nah, no, man. There was this big fella, man, was one of 'em. Nobody could ever remember his name.

Oz:
Oh, aye. Aye. [Starts tapping Dennis's sleeve with his knife] I can see his face. On the tip...

Dennis:
[Brushes Oz away] Howay, man! You pillock!

Oz:
I can see him.

Bomber:
Ah, well. Just let me know my name if ever you remember it.

Neville:
So that leaves... Bronson and Robert Vaughn for Barry and Moxey.

Wayne:
Robert Vaughn. He's the one that lost his bottle but redeemeed himself at the finish, weren't he?

Oz:
Aye. Bronson... Bronson was the enigmatic one, wasn't he? Deadly, like, but enigmatic. [Moxey returns with his donut.]

Dennis:
Agreed, then?

All:
Aye.

Dennis:
Bronson.

Wayne:
You're Charles Bronson, Moxey.

Moxey:
[Halfway through biting into his donut] You what? Why?

Oz:
'Cos nae bugger can fathom you, man.