Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Fraser:
The photographs didn't do this place justice! It's even bigger than I imagined.

Hallwood:
Yeah... you know, Ally, I've always thought that Victorian architecture was a gesture of their confidence rather than their taste.

Fraser:
Ah, well. Anyway, Malcolm, a hundred years ago or so there'd be one family living in this place. Coal owner, probably. Picture it - there's a thousand wretches slaving away underground for a hundred hours a week for a bowl of dripping, and he's up here supping claret and playing billiards after dinner. [Chuckles] Those were the days, eh, son?

Hallwood:
As a point of fact, I think most of the industry 'round here was steel.

Fraser:
Well, times change. Most of Kenny Ames's money came from pornography.

Hallwood:
Did he ever actually live in the house?

Fraser:
Ahh, I think he spent a few weekends here, before the Fraud Squad caused his hasty departure to Málaga.

Hallwood:
The Fraud Squad's my main concern, Ally. Any transaction involving his property is gonna show straight up on their computers.

Fraser:
So? They can't freeze his assets. Thanks to our great British judicial system, a man is innocent until proven guilty. And Kenny Ames will be innocent until the day he dies, provided he dies in Spain.

Hallwood:
It draws attention to you. I mean they're not gonna fail to notice that the sale price is way below market value. That's fraud, Ally! You're avoiding Capital Gains Tax, to say nothing of Stamp Duty.

Fraser:
Look, my survey report will show that this building is ridden with dry rot, rising damp, woodworm and horribly, possibly, even deathwatch beetle! He's very lucky I'm taking it out of his hands!

Hallwood:
You haven't had a survey! [Fraser goes to a back door with a crumbling arch] I haven't even had time to conduct the normal searches.

Fraser:
Well, my survey report will show exactly what I want it to show, my friend. [Picks from the crumbling arch] I guarantee that.