Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Jessup:
Excuse me?

Oz:
[Turns to Jessup] Yes? What?

Jessup:
About half an hour ago, you and your mate were down by the river, weren't you?

Oz:
[Plays dumb for a second] ...What river?

Jessup:
You know perfectly well what river!

Oz:
[To Barry] Did we pass a river anywhere today on wor travels?

Barry:
Um, we... um... I think we did, yes, yes, when we were having our walk, we...

Jessup:
You had no right to walk there. That's private property, that is!

Barry:
Well, we weren't supposed to know that, sir, no, because we're not from round 'ere, y'see.

Jessup:
There are notices posted! You can read where you come from, can't you?

Oz:
Ey, just a minute, just a minute. There's no call for that, is there?

Female Customer:
Excuse me, please... [Jessup and Oz move for the customer, who gets her coat from the hatstand] Thank you. [She leaves the café.]

Oz:
I mean, are you tryin' to tell me there's all those acres of land out there, but we can't walk on 'em? Eh?

Jessup:
There are public footpaths.

Oz:
I'm not talkin' about the footpaths, I'm talkin' about all those miles of fields and moor oot there. I mean, me an' 'im were in the Falklands, y'know. [Motions to Barry] The Falklands! Aye. [The commotion has caught the attention of the other customers in the café] And the only thing what kept wor goin' there was the thought of gettin' back here - hopefully - and walkin' once again through England's green and pleasant land, what we fought to preserve!

Barry:
We weren't actually there during the hostilities.

Oz:
Oh, but we were rebuilding the land that had been ravaged, weren't wa, by the invader.

Jessup:
[Somewhat taken aback, he adjusts his tie] Well... it doesn't give you the right to go poaching.

Oz:
Poaching for what?

Jessup:
Trout.

Oz:
Trout? Trout... can you see any fishing rods, like? [Turns to Barry] Have you got a fishing rod stuck down yer trouser leg? [Barry laughs]

Jessup:
You can tickle them.

Oz:
[Scoffs] You can tickle 'em! [Chuckles] Have yer heard this? What, I suppose you tickle 'em until they're so weak with laughing that they jump out of the river and into the pan? Is that it? "Tickle them"!

Jessup:
Have you any idea how serious an offence it is?

Oz:
Look, mate, before you go talkin' about offences, you need evidence, don't yer? Right? So I'll tell yer what we'll do. [Points to Barry, then to outside] His van is parked outside, so you can go an' search it, right, and you can search him... [Points to Barry again] ...and you can search me, all right? That's fair? Come on! [Oz holds up his hands while Jessup reluctantly searches his coat] This is typical, this, you know. Typical of the welcome you people give to strangers! [Points at Jessup with his paper] But I'm tellin' you, if you don't find anything, I want a public apology, right? [Jessup feels something, but it feels like keys rather than a trout] Huh? Yeah?

Jessup:
I'll try the van.

Oz:
Yes, we'll try the van. Typical! [They leave the café]