Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Barry:
Want that last dumpling?

Wayne:
Be my guest, son.

Barry:
Thanks. [Takes the dumpling and eats it] Lovely, ain't they? Not too greasy.

Wayne:
And this spicy beef is well tasty, Barry. You ordered well, son.

Barry:
Thank you, Wayne. I'm very in to Oriental cuisine you see, Wayne. Just outside Wolverhampton, there is the most wonderful place - Shanghai Rendezvous it's called. Oh, it's quite bostin', mate. It's a great favourite of Hazel's, and mine, actually. But that is Szechuan cuisine, bit spicier than Cantonese, you see... [points to his plate with his chopsticks] Mind you, I don't suppose Szechuan has reached up here yet, has it?

Wayne:
Wolverhampton one - Newcastle nil. [They laugh.]

Barry:
Aww, it's a really good idea this, Wayne, because we won't be getting much Chinese grub out in España, will we?

Wayne:
No... if we ever get there, mate, eh?

Barry:
Plenty of English food, mind, though. When Hazel and me went, it was bloody shepherd's pie and fish and chips, aye.

Wayne:
Right... Hey, how are things going with you and your Hazel?

Barry:
Well... it's a bit hard to tell from this distance, so... Neville said why don't I bring her out, like? You know. Might make all the difference, he said.

Wayne:
Watch out, watch out. Right? You know what Neville's doing? Neville's promised Brenda a free trip, right. So he's lobbying all the lads to get their old ladies out there so he don't feel like the odd man out.

Barry:
Hmmm... I'm thinking about it, though... A change of scene might do the trick with Haze.

Wayne:
Yeah. Not with them ludicrous Bermudas you bought, mate.

Barry:
Ahh, they'll look nice when me legs are brown.

Wayne:
[Shouts out to a waiter] Er, two more lagers. Two more lagers, please, squire.

Barry:
'Ere, why don't you bring Christa out? You've not seen much of her lately, have you?

Wayne:
She's, er... she's in Germany, ain't she?

Barry:
Well, it don't stop her flying out, does it?

Wayne:
She wouldn't like it.

Barry:
Why not, mate? I mean, I can imagine the wives not wanting to join us in Dusseldorf when we were working out there, but I mean Spain's a different kettle of fish, innit? Oh, and if Hazel were there with other couples, like... like you and Christa, and Neville and Brenda, she might see things in a different light. What d'you think, Wayne?

Wayne:
Look. Stop asking me what I think, will you, Barry? Ever since I've known you, you've asked my advice on everything about love, sex and marriage.

Barry:
Well... it's hardly surprising, is it? I mean, I don't profess to be an expert in that department. You've probably forgotten more about women than I've got to learn!

Wayne:
Yeah, well I know nothing about wives, do I? Otherwise mine wouldn't have left me.

Barry:
[Looks up, not expecting that news.] When did this happen, then?

Wayne:
Ages ago.

Barry:
And you never told no-one?

Wayne:
I told your Hazel.

Barry:
Did you? She never let on.

Wayne:
That's why I told her, Barry. I told Brenda as well a couple of nights ago. I didn't wanna tell the lads, 'cos... I dunno. [Shrugs] Probably me image. I just... thought, "What's the point?" But you can do me a favour - tell the lads, and tell 'em I don't wanna talk about it, all right?

Barry:
[Holds his free hand up] Right, right. [Eats a prawn ball] 'Ere, do you think it was something to do with your philandering..?

Wayne:
Barry, did you hear me? It's the end of the conversation. Closed book. 'Ere, you're the prince of trivia, you think of something to talk about!

Barry:
[Takes a few seconds to think. Then...] D'you want that last prawn ball?