Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Fraser:
Very well, now that we're all gathered, I'd like just to say a few words. [Stares at Wayne]

Vicky:
[To Christine, Dennis's new girlfriend] Why don't I show you around the house, pet?

Christine:
All right. [They leave the room.]

Fraser:
[Stands on a stool to address the lads] Right. You lads have been farted around a bit, but, er, these things happen. Unexpected contingencies. However, I'm very, very pleased to say that everything has now been sorted out, and you fly out there on Saturday. [The lads murmur.]

Dennis:
Is that from here or from Heathrow?

Fraser:
Er, that is from here, Dennis. Saturday, 13:45.

Dennis:
...They don't do scheduled flights from here on Saturday.

Fraser:
Ah, well it's not a scheduled flight as such, Dennis. It's more what you might say our own luxury personal charter.

Oz:
[Excited] What? Wor own plane? Whoa, I'm up for that, eh! The Bricklayers' Special!

Fraser:
[Chuckles] I havenae gone quite that far, Oz. No, no, it's a pal of mine's got a wee company, he's taking a tour down there, and he very, very happily happens to have some spare seats.

Oz:
Oh, Christ! Economy measures already? I might have known.

Fraser:
No, no, no, there's more to it than that, if you'll just bear me out, Oz. Now officially, you lads are not going out there to work, because as you know, I could not come across with the work permits, and I want you out there because I trust the British working man.

Wayne:
Very patriotic.

Fraser:
I think if one is in a position to help the working man at the present moment in time, then one should do it. I'm also not too keen on my Spanish workers because when I'm out there it's mañana, mañana, and when I'm not out there it's siesta, siesta. [They all chuckle]

Barry:
Yes, they, er, they do tend to indolence, don't they, the average Spaniard? Mind you, now that they've joined the European Community, you might find it's a marked difference in their... [Notices Fraser glaring at him. Quieter] ...in their attitude... [He shuts up.]

Fraser:
All I'm saying, Barry, is that officially we are going there as holiday-makers, and arriving in a chartered flight will help to reinforce that impression. Now do you's get my drift?

Oz:
Oh aye, aye. So it's buckets and spades and waterwings is the order of the day, is it?

Fraser:
That's right, and you turn up for work in your swimming cossie, eh? [Laughs] You'll be given a few pesetas for your walking around money, and your official money will be paid as per usual, as per Dennis, as per back here.

Dennis:
Are we still staying at the Hotel Miramar?

Fraser:
Ah, well, unhappily, Dennis, they were unable to take you. [The lads voice their disgust]

Dennis:
The lads are fed up with barrack-room conditions, right? In Derbyshire were livin' like derelicts, man!

Fraser:
That has all been taken care of, Dennis. You will be staying in the same hotel as the rest of the holiday-makers, a very, very charming spot, and only a stone's throw from the beach.

Oz:
Oh, aye? Well the Spaniards is famous for how far they can hoy a stone, aren't they, eh?

Fraser:
And they're also famous for how bad they lay a brick, and that is why we are setting off to sunnier climes. So, until then, my dear friends, hasta la vista and vayas con Dios, mis amigos! Okay, who's for a game of pool?

Oz:
Oh, I'm up for that, like!

Dennis:
Aye, I'll have a game!

Bomber:
[To Fraser] Shall we take 'em on, Mr. Fraser?

Fraser:
Oh. Ally, Bomber. Call me Alistair.

Wayne:
Nev, you and me take the winners on.

Neville:
Hang on a minute, Wayne. [Goes to speak to Bomber.] Here, Bomb.

Bomber:
Yeah?

Neville:
Listen, if it's a charter flight, it'll not be that expensive, will it? We could probably afford to take the wives. D'you fancy taking yours?

Bomber:
I don't know, Neville. She's got her hands tied looking after all our kids. Besides, Bomber rather fancies getting amongst those señoritas!