Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Fraser:
Well, tell [Big] Baz to look for Dennis's mother's house, you check out his friends, his neighbours...

Vicky:
[Exits the bathroom] Can I take the car, Ally?

Fraser:
[To Vicky] Just take whatever you like, just get lost, will ya! [Upset, Vicky takes the car keys and exits the hotel suite as Dennis enters, unknown to Fraser]

Hallwood:
Ally... Ally, Dennis is a family man. He has kids here. He's not gonna do a runner with your money. Don't panic!

Fraser:
Don't tell me not to panic, pal! If Dennis is picked up at an airport then it's my nuts that are in the wringer! [Slams the phone down]

Dennis:
Good morning!

Fraser:
Where in Jesus' name have you been?

Dennis:
Got the first flight out this morning.

Fraser:
Oh, ya did, did ya? What, you had a night out on the town? I've been down at the airport for two hours while you were out doing the strip clubs of Soho!

Dennis:
No, no, no, I was detained by two gentlemen of the Customs.

Fraser:
...You were? Did they give you a good going over, Dennis?

Dennis:
Oh aye, they certainly did, yeah.

Fraser:
What did they say?

Dennis:
Well, er, eventually they said "We're very sorry that you been incovenienced, Mr. Patterson".

Fraser:
[Chuckles] Oh, Dennis... [Pats Dennis on the chest before closing the door to the suite] "Very sorry you've been inconvenienced, Mr. Patterson", that's terrific. [Takes the suitcase and puts it on the coffee table. He opens it... and finds nothing but clothes inside.] Don't fart me around, Dennis!

Dennis:
Don't fart you around?! You set me up to bring a bag of undeclared illegal currency out of the country! You put my chopper on the block, pal!

Fraser:
Did they find it?

Dennis:
Well if they had, I wouldn't be here, would I?

Fraser:
Oh, I see. So you opened this case before you left home?

Dennis:
It's a good job I did, isnit! You must think I'm a right wanker. Look, I knew I wasn't sent back to Newcastle to bring you back some documents! Somethin' heavy's comin' down on you, pal. It couldn't happen to a nicer fella(!)

Fraser:
That slag Vicky's been shouting her mouth off...

Dennis:
Just leave Vicky out of this, you brought this on yourself, man!

Fraser:
Where is my money, Dennis?

Dennis:
Oh, it's safe, less a few quid I've taken out to bump meself up to club class.

Fraser:
Oh... Dennis, Dennis... The reason I didn't level with you is because I reckon that what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. I didn't want you going through Customs with the old ticker pounding and the old blood pressure shooting up through the roof.

Dennis:
Oh it's nice to know you had my best interests at heart(!)

Fraser:
Dennis, the reason I sent you is a reflection of my trust. [Pours two Scotches] We've worked together for a long time, you and me, eh? A Scotch do ya?

Dennis:
Look, I'm about to jack all this in, right? And that 25 grand, that's like my warranty.

Fraser:
Are you laying down terms, Dennis?

Dennis:
I am, actually, yeah. First off, you hold the deeds to my wife's house. I'd be obliged if Hallwood sent them back to me bank, right? Secondly, as you're about to become an exile out here, I'm a bit concerned about the lads. I mean, your assets might get tied up for a bit. So that money is guaranteed their full whack, generous bonuses and their air fares back home.

Fraser:
...Anything else?

Dennis:
No... Oh yeah, If I see Vicky with so much as a broken fingernail... you'll never see the balance.