Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Carlos:
Soon, er... you finish work here?

Moxey:
Next week. Why?

Carlos:
My wife will be very happy.

Bomber:
What's your wife got to do with anything?

Carlos:
Before you come here, I close bar early. 11.30, maybe midnight. Now, I go home at 2-3 o'clock. She think I have another woman.

Oz:
Oh, well, not to worry, nearly finished. [They finish their beers]

Carlos:
Good. [Goes into the back to get the screen for the bar]

Oz:
Whoa, whoa! What yer' daein', man? I'm not talkin' aboot here, I'm talkin' about the site! Put that back. Look, we'll have three Fundadors and three San Miguels. [Despondent, Carlos puts the screen back.] Wouldn't mind another top-up. [Pulls several notes out of his pocket and gives one to Carlos] Here.

Moxey:
[Picking up a few ticket] What are these? You been down the dry cleaners or what?

Oz:
Nah, it's some lottery tickets, man.

Bomber:
He's been buying those since the first day we got here.

Moxey:
Have you?

Oz:
Aye. Big prizes, yer kna.

Carlos:
[As he serves the brandy] In thirteen years I win nothing.

Moxey:
What would you do if you did win, Carlos?

Carlos:
[Sighs] I buy my own bar, and I close every night at eleven. [Oz scoffs]

Moxey:
What would you do, Oz?

Oz:
Oh, I'd see ye all reet.

Moxey:
Oh, a new passport?

Oz:
Well, aye, if I had a small touch, but I thought if I hit the jackpot you could have a new face.

Moxey:
'Ey! I've lived with this face for a long time, y'know!

Oz:
Well, I'm not denigratin' yer looks or nowt! I just thought, yer kna, a bloke like a fugitive from justice could do with a new face, that's all.

Moxey:
Oh! Oh, I see, yeah. Maybe a new nose.

Oz:
Aye?

Moxey:
Well Sting had his done, didn't he? [Oz pinches Moxey's nose for a second] I must say, it's a definite improvement.

Bomber:
I'd get those ears fixed at the same time, if I were you.

Moxey:
What's wrong with my ears?

Oz:
Then, I think, er, I'd buy me mother a little bungalow, yer kna, so she wouldn't have to traipse up and doon the stairs an' that. And then, I think I'd have a tovy doon to the boat builders, get mesel' a little yacht.

Moxey:
Oh, aye?

Oz:
I could race Kenny Ames up and doon to Gib an' back, couldn't I?

Moxey:
[Chuckles] 'Ey, what d'you reckon, y'know, about Kenny Ames offerin' Barry his yacht an' invitin' us scruffs aboard?

Oz:
Ah, well, he just likes wor, doesn'he?

Moxey:
Why?

Bomber:
Because he's lonely. All these villains here get like that. He'd probably give twenty grand to walk down the East End and buy a newspaper.

Oz:
Aye. [To Moxey] Think that's ganna happen to ye when we piss off?

Moxey:
Dunno. I mean, I'll miss you lot. That's only natural, though, isn't it? But I've been on me own before, y'know. Been on me own since I was about three. Anyway, I've got this idea. I met this bloke the other day down the port.

Bomber:
Now you wants to be very careful about blokes you meet by the port! [The phone at the bar rings. Carlos goes to answer it.]

Moxey:
'Ey, he's alright, Bomb, he was a Canadian. Anyway, he was tellin' us, y'know, he's been workin' his way 'round the Med, crewin' on yachts an' that. I fancy that. Y'know, deck hand or steward for some Greek tycoon. It'd be great.

Oz:
I'd get yer snout done first.

Carlos:
[At the phone] Señor Osbourne, it's for you.

Oz:
For me?

Moxey:
Who the hell's givin' you a bell at this time of night?

Oz:
[Getting up] Buggered if I kna.

Bomber:
Probably the, er, lottery people, Oz.

Oz:
Oh, aye? Some hope of that, isn't there? [Takes the phone] Hello? Hello... Oh, aye. Hello... Dick?