Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3

Doug Judy:
Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on this ship. You won a free cruise without entering a contest; how do you think that happened?

Jake:
I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought Speed 2 on DVD and the internet figured out that cruises are one of my interests!

Doug Judy:
Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong. [He and Jake bump fists] But the tics are all me. I brought you here because I'm in peril.

Jake:
Pfft. Peril.

Doug Judy:
Don't "Pfft" my peril!

Jake:
Pfft.

Doug Judy:
Somebody's tryin' to kill me, and I need protection. So I sent for my best friend.

Jake:
I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy! Get that through your head!

Doug Judy:
[To Amy] It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.

Jake:
Whatever, Judy! You're under arrest!

Doug Judy:
You can't arrest me, boo! We're in international waters. Which is why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome, to the high seas.

Jake:
No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.

Amy:
Judy's right, we have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.

Doug Judy:
Uh-oh! Your girl knows about the Uzbeks!

Amy:
But the captain can have him arrested; he has total authority on this boat.

Jake:
Perfect; captains love me. Just wait until he or she finds out they're employing a criminal.

[Cut to the three of them standing out on deck with the captain.]

Captain Orleans:
Yeah, about forty percent of the crew are criminals.