Firefly

[Mal, Inara and Zoe are gathered around the table, laughing.]

Mal:
I thought I was gonna die.

Inara:
How could he possibly—

Mal:
Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men. Uh, "they're scum", uh, "they're not fighters", and, uh... and then he passed right out—boom.

Zoe:
We couldn't even move him. So, uh, Tracey just... snipped it right off his face.

Mal:
And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life, I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.

Zoe:
Big, walrus-y thing—all waxed up!

Inara:
Did he find out?

Mal:
Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone, and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, "Someone stole my moustache!" So he, uh, calls together all the platoons…

Zoe:
We thought he was gonna shoot us!

Mal:
...and, uh... Oh, he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the gorram thing on his face!

Zoe:
He'd glued it on!

Mal:
He's starin' the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!