House of Cards

Urquhart:
That was a rather louche performance you have in the House this afternoon.

Booza-Pitt:
Yeah, well I suppose it was a bit under the pier. The chaps seemed to like it though. Actually, I–I have had a bit of a shock since then. Rather, an unpleasant phone call.

Urquhart:
Newspapers?

Booza-Pitt:
Not yet. Look, Francis, I'm awfully sorry, but I've got myself in a spot of bother.

Urquhart:
What is it this time, sex or money?

Booza-Pitt:
A bit of both, I'm afraid.

Urquhart:
Let's have it, then.

Booza-Pitt:
Well, the chairman of my local party is going to divorce his wife for adultery, citing me.

Urquhart:
Really? If I may say so, that is rather small beer for you. You might find yourself with a slight re-selection problem, of course.

Booza-Pitt:
He says he's going to resign from the party and take his story to the tabloids. There are other details. Nothing too dreadful. It's a bit embarrassing, though.

[Urquhart gives him a look, expecting details]

Booza-Pitt:
Oh... Uniforms and so on? Doctors and nurses, awfully harmless. There are photographs.

Urquhart:
Geoffrey, Geoffrey...

Booza-Pitt:
You know me.

Urquhart:
Anything else?

Booza-Pitt:
Well, he says he's going to say that I tipped off his wife about some shares for Mendox Chemicals.

Urquhart:
[suddenly angry] Ahead of the takeover?

Booza-Pitt:
Well yeah, obviously. Otherwise, there wouldn't be much point in buying them, would there? You'd think he'd be grateful, wouldn't you?

[Long pause]

Booza-Pitt:
Francis?

Urquhart:
I want you to write me a letter of resignation setting out the circumstances in full and I want it here on my desk within the hour.

Booza-Pitt:
Right. I thought you might possibly—

[Urquhart stares at him]

Booza-Pitt:
Right. Please, Francis, couldn't you just—

[Urquhart stares at him]

Booza-Pitt:
No, of course, you're right. I–I see that. Please, Francis, I couldn't bear it out there in the cold!

Urquhart:
Sign the letter but don't date it. What's this wretched man's name?

Booza-Pitt:
Tennant. Richard Porthouse Tennant. Francis, I need hardly say—

Urquhart:
Sit down and shut up.

[Booza-Pitt sits down while Urquhart contacts his secretary on the phone]

Urquhart:
Get me a Richard Tennant. Local chairman, Hampshire Southeast.

Booza-Pitt:
Francis—

Urquhart:
You really are utterly contemptible, aren't you?

Booza-Pitt:
Well I wouldn't actually go that far.

Urquhart:
No background, no bottom, absolutely no informing principle but the will to survive, just a plump little bag of squirming appetites!

Booza-Pitt:
Francis, I do think that's a wee bit harsh—

Urquhart:
Shut up. And you thought you could endanger my government with impunity just because I sometimes found your company amusing, just because I sometimes smiled at your little jokes?

Booza-Pitt:
I've been an utter fool. I am an utter fool. But you know, Francis, I've always been for you. You've been my guiding light, my hero, right from way back. Look into your heart, Francis! You know I'd do anything for you!

[The phone buzzes]

Urquhart:
Yes!

Secretary:
Mr. Tennant, sir.

Urquhart:
Good. Put him on.

[Urquhart takes the phone]

Urquhart:
Mr. Tennant, Francis Urquhart. Sorry to spring this on you, but I wanted a confidential word. You know already, perhaps, that you've been put up for an honor for your public and political services... No... Well now, look here. I think you deserve something a little better. A knighthood, in fact... Yes... Well, special people don't always realize quite how special they are... There's a waiting list, of course. About eighteen months. And all of must remain utterly confidential till then, you do understand that... Good... But I shall be inviting you and Lady Tennant to Downing Street to dinner very soon... Yes... Now, one last thing. I'm sorry to have to ask you this, but as this will be carrying my personal recommendation, the Scrutiny Committee isn't likely to come across anything embarrassing in any way? Sadly, we've had one or two cases where honors have had to be withdrawn. Sign of the times, I'm afraid... Excellent... Goodbye then, and my best regards to Lady Tennant. We'll be seeing you both very soon... Yes... Bye-bye.

Booza-Pitt:
Francis, what can I say?

Urquhart:
I still want that letter, Geoffrey. I decide who comes and goes from my Cabinet and when. Not the tabloids, and certainly not some dreary constituency chairman. All right, Geoffrey, off you go.

[Booza-Pitt gets up]

Booza-Pitt:
Thank you, Francis. With all my heart.

Urquhart:
Yes, yes, yes.

[Booza-Pitt is about to leave the office.]

Urquhart:
Oh, and Geoffrey: that was your knighthood I bought him off with.