House, Season 1

Dr. House:
[to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy:
Short, sweet, grab a file.

Dr. House:
This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.

[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]

Dr. House:
That is true, isn't it?

[He turns back to the crowd.]

Dr. House:
But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. [House reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pharmaceutical bottle.] This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?

[Everybody raises their hands]

Dr. House:
Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.