It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 9

Newscaster:
Good morning, Philadelphia. With us today is Frank Reynolds - local business owner, and a man with a harrowing story.

Frank:
That's right. A few days ago, three thugs tried to mug me. Now, I want to be very clear about something. (eats a sandwich)

Newscaster:
Um, Mr-

Frank:
These pieces of garbage, they don't know who the hell they're dealing with.

Newscaster:
Mr. Reynolds, excuse me? Do you think maybe you could eat that sandwich later?

Frank:
I'm starving. You didn't have nothing to eat in this show.

Newscaster:
Let's get back to your... story-

Frank:
Right, so these punks, I don't know if they wanted money, or they wanted something more sexual... but it's a lucky thing I had my pieces.

Newscaster:
Your pieces?

Frank:
(pulls out two guns) My guns! Anyway, I started blasting. Bang! Bow! I don't see so good, so I missed, then they ran away. I ran after them, bang! Tried to shoot them in the back, but I don't run so good either. Anyway, you guys all think I'm a hero, and I'll accept that responsibility.

Newscaster:
Now, weren't you concerned that an innocent bystander may have-

Frank:
Look, crime in this city is out of control. Thank God I went down to Gunther's Guns and picked up a spare. I don't think one woulda done it! I'm gonna go out and buy some more.

Newscaster:
Okay-

Frank:
And I think you should, too. Don't be a victim, it's time to fight back.