Men Behaving Badly, Series 1

Gary:
Ask the butcher to cut the liver into the thinnest slices possible. Crush the peppercorns into a pestle and mortar if you have one. Well I haven't got one, Delia. Oh. If you haven't got one use the back of a spoon.

Dermot:
Don't say that speck of dust got back into the house again.

Gary:
How'd it go?

Dermot:
Oh. I'm knackered. I fell asleep against this woman on the bus. She was all right until we got to Oxford Circus and I started dribbling on her shoulder.

Gary:
Slice that, will you? Don't tell me your-- your new employers didn't offer you a cigar and a seat on the board.

Dermot:
They didn't offer me any kind of seat. I was standing up all day fantasizing about sofas.

Gary:
Well, it makes a change from your usual fantasies about semi naked women in bits of white underwear.

Dermot:
Not really. These sofas already had semi naked women in them. They squeezed up to let me sit down.

Gary:
That's your trouble. You're obsessed with sex.

Dermot:
Well, that's your fault. You keep on giving me suggestive food. What are you cooking anyway.

Gary:
Well, it's basically an adaptation of a Persian dish and a rather subtle juniper sauce followed by jelly and ice cream.

Dermot:
With hundreds and thousands?

Gary:
Yeah.

Dermot:
I need something to take my mind of Lisa.

Gary:
Yeah.

Dermot:
I taught her all my best beer-mat tricks, you know. Why did she leave me?

Gary:
Perhaps you shouldn't have slept with her best friend.

Dermot:
Mm. Women don't like that much, do they? Her teeth went all clenched, like in Dallas. Is this mine?

Gary:
Nope.

Dermot:
Good. I'm gonna change.

Gary:
Well, change into something useful, like a curry.