Men Behaving Badly, Series 1

Dermot:
Deborah, hi. Come in.

Deborah:
Thanks, I can't stay long.

Dermot:
Right.

Deborah:
Well, what's wrong, Dermot? Normally you ask me out twice before we've even reached the kitchen.

Dermot:
Got the sack today.

Deborah:
Oh, no. Why?

Dermot:
Had an argument with a customer.

Deborah:
Well, if that was a sacking offence, I wouldn't have any staff.

Dermot:
Well, it wasn't just an argument. I picked him up and dangled him by his feet until he stopped calling me Mr. Stinky.

Deborah:
This is a child, isn't it?

Dermot:
Yeah. Children in that toy department can be so hurtful.

Deborah:
Well, I think I would've let you off with a warning.

Dermot:
I'd already had a written warning for calling another one a stunted little turd.

Deborah:
Well, maybe you shouldn't work with children.

Dermot:
No. This was an old lady in the china department.

Deborah:
Maybe you shouldn't work with human beings.

Dermot:
Do you need anyone in your restaurant?

Deborah:
Oh, Dermot. I don't know.

Dermot:
You said you were short-staffed.

Deborah:
Well, you've got a record of dangling people by their ankles.

Dermot:
No, thats it. I'm through with dangling.

Deborah:
Well, have you worked as a waiter before?

Dermot:
Yeah.

Deborah:
Where?

Dermot:
Tiny place in Scotland. It's closed down now.

Deborah:
Oh, well. I suppose we could give you a try.

Dermot:
Oh, brilliant!

Deborah:
(Grunts)

Dermot:
Didn't even have to wear my lucky interview underpants.

Deborah:
No! You've just got to get your face out of my neck.

Dermot:
We're sharing a magic moment.

Deborah:
Oh, speak for yourself, Dermot.

Gary:
Put her down, Dermot. You're making a fool of yourself.

Dermot:
She's just given me a job.

Gary:
Thought you already had a job.

Dermot:
Got made redundant.

Gary:
You're never made redundant. You're always fired.

Deborah:
Hi, Gary. Nice day at the office?

Gary:
Oh, pretty standard. George spent the day showing me how to make a model windmill out of paperclips. Anthea had a nervous breakdown in her lunch hour, fortunately. And I filled my briefcase with yogurt.

Dermot:
Oh, Billy Banana flavour. My favourite.

Deborah:
Well, I must go. I came to ask you if you could move some of your things out of the garden shed to make room for some of my stuff.

Dermot:
Sure. What do you got?

Deborah:
Oh, a lawn mower, tools.

Dermot:
What, gardening things?

Deborah:
Yes, Dermot. How do you cut the grass?

Dermot:
We just sort of flatten it down.

Gary:
It seems to stop growing after a while.

Deborah:
Right.

Gary:
How did you persuade Deborah to give you a job?

Dermot:
Told her I had experience.

Gary:
Have you?

Dermot:
Not yet.

Gary:
Look at your work record. What a mess!

Dermot:
These are my wilderness years like Churchill and Gary Glitter.

Gary:
I bet Churchill was never kicked out of Securicor for leaving the keys in the ignition while he did a bit of shopping.

Dermot:
There was a sale on.

Gary:
You've got no ambition, have you?

Dermot:
Have.

Gary:
I'm talking about careers, Dermot. Not your ambition to clash glands with Linda Lusardi. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Dermot:
Rock guitarist.

Gary:
Yeah.

Dermot:
What, you too?

Gary:
No, no. Manager of a small engineering firm.

Dermot:
Funny, isn't it? The crazy dreams we once had.

Gary:
Crazy.

Dermot:
I reckon I could still be a guitarist, you know? If I learnt to play guitar.

Gary:
For a while, I wanted to be that little girl on the test card playing noughts and crosses

Dermot:
Yeah. Well, didn't we all?

Gary:
Mm.

Dermot:
Then after that, you want any job where there's lots of women around.

Gary:
Mm-mm.

Dermot:
I wanted to be choreographer for Pan's People. Sent off for details, actually.

Gary:
Mm. My parents just wanted me to have a respectable job.

Dermot:
Oh, you've done all right, then.

Gary:
Yeah, yeah. Nothing wrong with my career. I'll give it my best years to high quality security equipment.