Red vs. Blue, Season 1

Church:
Hey, I'll letcha in on a little secret. I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

Tucker:
Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

Church:
No, man, she's just my girlfriend, y'know. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out and... ah, you know how it works.

Tucker:
Oh, well... are you gonna marry her when you get back?

Caboose:
I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Church:
Hey, Rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Tucker:
No, I think he called her a slut!

Church:
I'll tell ya what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

Caboose:
[dryly] Great.

Church:
See, we've got this general—

Tucker:
Right... the... general guy.

Church:
—who likes to come by and make random inspections at bases. So what I'm gonna have you do is I'm gonna have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by.

Caboose:
When is he coming by?

Tucker:
We'd never know. Could be today could be... a week from now.

Caboose:
You want me to stand at attention for a week?

Church:
You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base! You're gonna be right there with the flag.

Caboose:
What's so important about the flag?

Church:
Oh, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?

Caboose:
They didn't tell us anything about a flag... why is it so important?

Church:
Because it's the flag, man, you know... it's the flag ...it's ...Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

Tucker:
Well... it's... it's complicated... it's blue, we're blue—

Church:
It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

Tucker:
Right.

Church:
So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

Caboose:
How will I know when I see him?

Tucker:
There's only three of us out here, Rookie. He's gonna be the guy who doesn't look like one of us.

Church:
Now get in there and don't come out!

[Caboose runs into Blue base]

Church:
Man! That guy is dumber than you are!

Tucker:
You mean he's dumber than you are.

Church:
[sarcastically] Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback.

[Caboose goes back out of Blue base]

Caboose:
Uhhh... Mr Church? Sir?

Church:
Oh my God! What! Tucker, I swear I'm gonna kill him!

Caboose:
Sorry about calling your girl a... slut.

Church:
ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!

[Caboose runs back inside Blue base]

[Tucker turns around and has his back to the Blue base and starts laughing. Upon hearing this, Church turns around and has his back to the Blue base as well]

Church:
Tucker, are you laughing at me?

[Donut comes behind both of them]

Donut:
Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you a question?

[Church and Tucker, without looking, assume that Donut is Caboose]

Church:
Dear God in heaven, Rookie. If I turn around and you are NOT inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

Donut:
What did I do?

Church:
One...

Donut:
Ah, gimmie a break!

Church:
Two...

Donut:
Fine!

[Donut runs inside Blue base]