Red vs. Blue, Season 5

Church:
Hey Doc, what the hell is going on in there?

Doc:
Church, everything is fine. The patient is just resting,

Church:
(listens to the crashing noises) Doesn't sound like he is resting.

Doc:
That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival. He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding!

Church:
Tucker...fed...the baby. Gross.

Doc:
Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say: "it takes a village."

Church:
How'd you get him to agree to that?

Doc:
It's amazing what you can get Caboose to do when you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.

Church:
But he hates needles.

Doc:
No needles. Turns out, if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's a miracle to see nature at work!

Caboose:
(drunkenly) I feel dizzy...

Church:
Uh, is he gonna be okay?

Doc:
Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.

Caboose:
(looking around randomly) Oooooh...

Doc:
Anyway, blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light -

Caboose:
I think I'm going to stop standing up now... (collapses face-down on the floor)

Doc:
Or passing out.

Caboose:
(from floor) Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice...

Church:
How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?

Doc:
Sleeping? He's not sleeping, he's in a coma.

Church:
Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc, I'll take care of this.

Caboose:
(from floor) I can't feel my torso...

Doc:
I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptible to infection, and disease, and cuddling! I want to expose it to as few people as possible.

Church:
Doc, don't worry, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Doc:
Well now you're definitely not coming in. I think we're going to send back your shower gift too.

Caboose:
(from floor) I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me?

Church:
I tell you what: I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?

Doc:
Sorry.

Church:
Doc, seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.

Doc:
Church, don't make me pull rank on you

Church:
(incredulous) Rank - what the fuck - I outrank - you don't outrank me, I'm a captain!

Doc:
No, you're a private with a dead captain. Last time I checked, that makes you a private...with a dead captain

Caboose:
(from floor) My body...is trying to die.

Church:
Okay fine, then we're both privates, you don't outrank me!

Doc:
No, I'm Medical Super Private, First Class!

Church:
That's not a real rank!

Doc:
Yes it is!

Church:
Since when?!

Doc:
Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion.

Church:
They're promoting you for that!? You haven't used your weapon!

Doc:
Leadership isn't about firing bullets or stabbing people, Church. Leadership is about telling other people to fire bullets and stab people.

Caboose:
(from floor) If I've been bitten by it, does that mean I'm going to turn into one of them?

Church:
Shut up Caboose.

Caboose:
(from floor) Blaaarrrggg...

Church:
: Shut up, Caboose.

Caboose:
(from floor) Oh no, don't let me turn...

(a loud crash from outside as the Pelican lands)

Church:
What the hell was that?!

Caboose:
(from floor) I didn't feel anything...

Church:
I'll be right back - don't feed any more of our soldiers to the alien!

Doc:
Okay, but I can't make any promises.

Caboose:
(from floor) Don't leave me with the horrible doctor...

Doc:
Oh, shut up, Caboose.

Caboose:
(from floor) Now he's cursing at me...