Rick and Morty, Season 1

Rick:
[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

Morty:
I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!

Rick:
I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Morty:
Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Rick:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!

Morty:
You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!

Rick:
Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?

Morty:
Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?

Rick:
Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Morty:
Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.

Rick:
Every tenth.

Morty:
Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]

Beth:
Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Rick:
Washing dishes?

Beth:
No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]

Summer:
Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?

Rick:
Yeah, d— Just don't do it.

Summer:
Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]

Jerry:
Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Rick:
Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.

Morty:
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!

Rick:
Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]

Mr. Meeseeks:
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Rick:
You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Mr. Meeseeks:
Yessiree!

Rick:
—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]

Mr. Meeseeks:
All done!

Jerry:
Wow!

Rick:
—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]

Summer:
Oh, my God! He exploded!

Rick:
Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.

Morty:
All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!

[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]