Rick and Morty, Season 2

Jerry:
Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?

Rick:
All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Jerry:
How could you be so dishonest with this family?!

Rick:
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!

Summer:
Hey, Tammy was cool!

Rick:
And now we know why!

Summer:
Because of you!

Rick:
Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.

Morty:
Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!

Rick:
I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.

Beth:
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Rick:
Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.

Smiths:
Wait, what?! / What?!

Rick:
Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.

Jerry:
Us?!

Beth:
Jerry—

Jerry:
I want to go home!

Rick:
Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?

Summer:
What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!

Rick:
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?

Computer:
[calculates] "765 known planets."

Rick:
How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

Computer:
"Three."

Rick:
See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!