The Bill Engvall Show, Season Two

Susan:
Bryan showed me his racing car- looks fantastic!

Bill:
Yeah! I thought it turned out pretty well.

Susan:
You know what it reminds me of? You know that coffee table in the living room we used to have?

Bill:
(to himself) Here it comes...

Susan:
You remember, the one you tried to level by cutting the legs shorter and shorter- until we eventually had to throw it away?

Bill:
Well, it was hard to focus when I had a crazy woman screaming "It's been in my family for over a hundred years!" (gets into bed)

Susan:
... I'm just curious how such a well-crafted car, came from a man who turned my grandmother's antique coffee table into a serving tray.

Bill:
... The unconditional support of his loving wife? (Susan shakes her head at him) All right, Paul made it.

Susan:
And why does Bryan think you did?

Bill:
Look, he ran in, saw the car, and before I could say a word he jumped to his own conclusions!

Susan:
So you lied to him.

Bill:
No, I didn't lie! I just... didn't correct him on his mistaken assumption of the actual truth.

Susan:
(stares at him) What, are you running for office?!

Bill:
Okay, fine, I lied! But you have, too.

Susan:
I have not.

Bill:
Oh, no? How about when you told Lauren you were on the cheer leading team in high school?

Susan:
I was!

Bill:
(sarcastically) Really?

Susan:
Yes!

Bill:
Because I believe that doing somersaults in a bird costume falls more into the "mascot" category!

Susan:
(offended) I was the Lady Falcon- and those were handsprings, mister, which are very hard to do with wings!(Bill gives her a look) Okay, so I lied too! But that doesn't make what you did right.

Bill:
I know, but you should've seen his face! I was the greatest Dad ever- he hugged me. (Susan looks sympathetic)

Susan:
Hmm... okay, I get it. ('Bill turns out his lamp and lays down to sleep, Susan pokes him in the shoulder) But, just for the record- there were a hundred other girls who would have killed to be the Lady Falcon!

Bill:
(smirking) Aww, honey, now you're just lying to yourself.