The Bill Engvall Show, Season Two

Bill:
Morning. (he sleepily tries to kiss Susan, but she moves and he kisses the pillow) Is it just me, or is your face a little puffy today? What's the matter?

Susan:
(sharply) Who's Penelope?

Bill:
What? Penelope- I don't know anybody by that name. Why?

Susan:
I had a dream last night that you're having an affair with a woman named Penelope!

Bill:
(sarcastically as he gets up) Oh! Yeah, that Penelope. Yeah, we've been fooling around in other people's sleep for years. You should see us during naps, we're like bunnies!

Susan:
Stop it, Bill, this is really bothering me!

Bill:
You're kidding me, right? This thing that happened in a dream?

Susan:
No, no, no- it wasn't a dream, it was a premonition!

Bill:
Oh, you know what this reminds me of? A certain horse-race where I was persuaded to bet a hundred dollars on a horse named "Lazy Susan!"

Susan:
That was a hunch! It wasn't a premonition- there's a difference.

Bill:
Between first and last place? I'll say! (goes to his closet)

Susan:
You don't understand! I have only woken up twice in my life with this feeling, and both times my premonition was true!

Bill:
"And what were they?" He asked, knowing he'll regret it.

Susan:
Remember Diane Hamilton?

Bill:
Yeah, your friend with the buck teeth.

Susan:
She's a brilliant composer.

Bill:
And in need of an equally brilliant dentist.

Susan:
The night before her wedding, I had a premonition that her fiancee would leave her at the alter.

Bill:
Honey, that's not a premonition, that's just common sense! Nobody wants a wife who can build a dam with no tools! (he walks away, Susan follows him looking put-out)

Susan:
When I was twelve, I dreamt my uncle Max was gonna die- and the next day, boom! He's gone.

Bill:
And lemme guess! He's ninety-two and on life support.

Susan:
Mm-Mmm! Forty-five, had a heart attack in a department store. He was testing a mattress- we all thought he just really liked it!