The Bill Engvall Show, Season Two
Bill:
Morning. (he sleepily tries to kiss Susan, but she moves and he kisses the pillow) Is it just me, or is your face a little puffy today? What's the matter?
Susan:
(sharply) Who's Penelope?
Bill:
What? Penelope- I don't know anybody by that name. Why?
Susan:
I had a dream last night that you're having an affair with a woman named Penelope!
Bill:
(sarcastically as he gets up) Oh! Yeah, that Penelope. Yeah, we've been fooling around in other people's sleep for years. You should see us during naps, we're like bunnies!
Susan:
Stop it, Bill, this is really bothering me!
Bill:
You're kidding me, right? This thing that happened in a dream?
Susan:
No, no, no- it wasn't a dream, it was a premonition!
Bill:
Oh, you know what this reminds me of? A certain horse-race where I was persuaded to bet a hundred dollars on a horse named "Lazy Susan!"
Susan:
That was a hunch! It wasn't a premonition- there's a difference.
Bill:
Between first and last place? I'll say! (goes to his closet)
Susan:
You don't understand! I have only woken up twice in my life with this feeling, and both times my premonition was true!
Bill:
"And what were they?" He asked, knowing he'll regret it.
Susan:
Remember Diane Hamilton?
Bill:
Yeah, your friend with the buck teeth.
Susan:
She's a brilliant composer.
Bill:
And in need of an equally brilliant dentist.
Susan:
The night before her wedding, I had a premonition that her fiancee would leave her at the alter.
Bill:
Honey, that's not a premonition, that's just common sense! Nobody wants a wife who can build a dam with no tools! (he walks away, Susan follows him looking put-out)
Susan:
When I was twelve, I dreamt my uncle Max was gonna die- and the next day, boom! He's gone.
Bill:
And lemme guess! He's ninety-two and on life support.
Susan:
Mm-Mmm! Forty-five, had a heart attack in a department store. He was testing a mattress- we all thought he just really liked it!
Submitted by wikidude on June 03, 2024
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