Father Ted, Series 2

Father Fintan Stack:
What are we watching?

Father Ken Dillon:
We're looking at the sports day.

Father Fintan Stack:
Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!

Father Ted:
Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.

Father Stack:
Yes I am.

Father Rory Shanahan:
Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.

Father Stack:
If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal comes in; he's very obviously drunk)

Father Ted:
Dougal, where did you go to?

Dougal:
Ted, how are ya!

Father Ted:
(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...

Dougal:
Guess what, Ted?

Father Ted:
What?

Dougal:
(confused) What?

Father Ted:
Dougal! Have you been drinking?

Dougal:
I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!

Father Ted:
Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

Dougal:
(shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.

Father Stack:
Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

Father Ted:
Oh, well, that is the last straw.

Dougal:
I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)

Father Stack:
Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal:
I can see up your trousers, Ted!

Father Ted:
Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!

Father Shanahan:
Ted, it's getting a little late.

Father Dillon:
Yes, I really think we should go.

Father Ted:
No, you don't have to go.

Father Shanahan:
I think we should.

Father Stack:
(leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.

Father Ted:
Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.

Dougal:
To the pub, Ted.