Father Ted, Series 2

Father Dougal:
I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Ted:
[astounded upon hearing the unexpected offence] I'm sorry!?

Father Dougal:
I said "I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks!"

Father Ted:
Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books 'again', Dougal!?

Father Dougal:
I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!

Father Dougal (on July 19):
Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?

Mrs Doyle:
It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world?

Father Ted:
Father Jack, do you have any preferences?

Father Jack:
Holiday!

Father Ted:
Yes, we're on holiday. Would you like to go anywhere?

Father Jack:
What?

Father Ted:
Would you like to go somewhere?

Father Jack:
Who are you?

Father Ted:
I was just asking, would you like to go somewhere now that we're here? Would you like to go for a lovely walk?

Father Jack:
I like cake!

Father Ted:
Yes, I... [sotto, to Dougal] I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now.

Father Jack:
Where am I? What's that thing there? Are those my feet?

Father Ted:
God, let's just get him to sleep and we'll head off ourselves. [to Jack] Okay Father, into your box!

Father Jack:
Drink, arse, girls, dr- [he instantly falls asleep as Ted places a cardboard box over his head]

Father Dougal:
...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.

Father Ted:
Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?

Father Dougal:
...no.

Father Noel Furlong (on Ted):
Who's a bit of a moaning Michael tonight!

Father Dougal (as Ted struggles with the car door):
You're alright there, Ted. He's a fair bit away ... it might be worth speeding up a bit there.

Father Dougal:
God Ted, he's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away!

Father Noel Furlong (in the tilted caravan):
The truck! We're saved.

Tom:
Time to open the door.

Tom:
You have been too harsh through Fathers Crilly and McGuire. I'm shooting out for that.

Father Ted:
(Using a long stick with Father Dougal's help to wake Jack up from distance) Father, Father, wake up! It's just us.

Father Jack:
(Waking up) GET TO FECK!!!

Father Ted:
Come on, Father. We're going to have to move you again!

Father Jack:
(Throws down stick) DRRRRIIINK! (Reaches for his glass and prepares to drink)

Father Ted:
(Panicked) Don't drink that, Father - no, it's...

Father Jack:
(After drinking from the glass, he learns, and immediately spits out, what he has just drunk) FECKIN' WATER!!!

Father Ted:
[after destroying the car]: AH, JESUS, WE'RE DEAD! OH, GOD ALMIGHTY!!!

Father Jack:
[being attacked by a murder of crows] Feckin' feathered eejits! Gobshites, the lot of ya!

Father Ted:
Bingo!

Father Dougal:
No luck then, Ted?

Father Ted:
Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles.

Father Purcell:
We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."

Father Ted:
Are you alright there Fathers?

Father Jack:
HELP ME!!!

Father Purcell:
Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?

Father Ted:
Er I don't know what you're....

Father Purcell:
Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that!

Father Ted:
(to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...

Father Jack:
Thank CHRIST!

Father Purcell:
Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!

Father O'Dwyer:
Look, I'll have the money for you next week. Please, just one more chance that's all I ask, please. For Gods sake have some pity. I'm a priest!

Father Purcell:
Oh they have you everywhere you know. I was in the AA there for a while, but the insurance was very expensive.

Father Dougal:
Oh right (getting bored)

Father Purcell:
I had to crash the car to get the money back and they had witnesses who said they'd seen me steer it towards the wall you know. There was talk of me going to jail for a while!! (Dougal gets up and walks off, he turns to the holy father) Ah its yourself!! (carries on rambling on to Him)

Father Purcell:
This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. Whats your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...

Father Ted:
The bishops will come around, and see that we're a normal, everyday parish, and go away. Nothing to worry about at all!

Father Dougal:
Bishops love sci-fi!

Father Ted:
[apoplectic] Dougal, we are not watching Aliens!!!

[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]

Father Ted:
Anyway, back to religion.

Father Jack:
(to Bishop O'Neill) That would be an ecumenical matter.

Bishop O'Neill:
Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father.

Father Ted:
Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?

Mrs Doyle:
No, a dog ran off with them.

Father Dougal:
(to Bishop O'Neill) So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?

All:
Amen.

Father Dougal:
Eamonn.

Bishop O'Neill:
Everlasting Life? Big Demons sticking hot pokers up Your arse for all Eternity? I don't buy it

Father Dougal:
God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.

Father Ted:
No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

Father Dougal:
Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?

Elderly Lady:
Hello Father, did you hear about the whistle being stolen?

Father Ted:
Yes, I was--

Elderly Lady:
I never thought that I'd see the like. What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boys in the Hood. And then they'll have hoes selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control--' [Gun shot fires in background] '--I'm going home now Father to lock meself in the basement til they catch that fella. Good-bye to ye father.

Father Ted:
...Good-bye.

Dougal:
Ted, could you pass me my record collection?

Ted:
Okay, here it is. (Passes him a single record.) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record.

Charles Hedges:
Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...

Father Ted':
Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.

Fred Rickwood:
[Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!

Father Ted:
Sorry?

Fred Rickwood:
[Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.

Father Ted:
Ah, yes...

Fred Rickwood:
[Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]

Father Ted:
Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show.

Charles Hedges:
Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine.

Father Ted:
Alright, do you know him a long time?

Charles Hedges:
Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years.

Father Ted:
Oh, right, you run the production company together?

Charles Hedges:
No, no, he's my lover.

Father Dougal:
You know the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?

Father Ted:
Yes?

Father Dougal:
Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?

Father Ted:
[sarcastically] Perfect! Father Jack it is!

Father Jack:
What?

Father Ted:
Oh, nothing, Father. Dougal's decided to name his new pet rabbit after you.

Father Jack:
What?

Father Dougal:
I think Father Jack wants a drink.

Father Jack:
[gleeful] Drink! Drink!

Father Ted:
Maybe we could give him water.

Father Jack:
Water!? Feck!

Father Ted:
Dougal, this is getting far too confusing! Can you not come up with a better name?

Father Dougal:
Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack now! Can we not call Jack something else?

Father Ted:
[exasperated] Flipper! Flipper the Priest!

Father Jack:
Yes!

Bishop Brennan:
Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan.

Father Ted:
Oh feck! [realises his mistake]

Bishop Brennan:
WHAT!?

Father Ted:
[putting on a bad French accent] 'Oo is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! [hangs up] Dear God, Dougal, I just said feck to Bishop Brennan!

Father Dougal:
Oh, he won't like that, Ted!

Father Ted:
Maybe it's alright, though. I put on a foreign voice so as he'll think he dialed the wrong number. [The phone rings again; Ted answers it]

Bishop Brennan:
Crilly.

Father Ted:
Ah, hello Bishop Brennan. I think you got the wrong number there-

Bishop Brennan:
Shut up, Crilly! Shut up! I'll make this quick. What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?

Father Ted:
[mortified] Oh no!

Bishop Brennan:
Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a pair of socks and a hat! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements, and Crilly...

Father Ted:
Yes, your Grace?

Bishop Brennan:
[referring to the previous call] If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms!

Father Jack:
(points at rabbits) Rats!

Father Ted:
Yes father, we can see them as well.

Father Jack:
Hairy Japanese bastards!

Father Ted:
That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits?

Tom:
In the vice, father.

Tom:
(about the rabbits) I could run them down in me van!

Father Ted:
(trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?

Father Dougal:
(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Brennan:
What did he just say?!

Father Ted:
Ah, I can explain...

Bishop Brennan:
Did he call me Len again? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Mrs Doyle:
(While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Father Jack:
(having sobered up) Where are the other two?

Father Ted:
"Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.

Father Jack:
And what do you two do?

Father Ted:
Well, we're priests.

Father Jack:
What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!

Father Ted:
How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.

Father Jack:
(After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite!

Father Jack:
(After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon)

Father Jack [sees Sister Assumpta]:
Nan!

Father Ted:
No, Father this is a nun.

Father Jack [Terrified]:
Nun! [screams and runs out the window]

Father Ted:
[Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...

Father Fintan Stack:
What are we watching?

Father Ken Dillon:
We're looking at the sports day.

Father Fintan Stack:
Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!

Father Ted:
Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.

Father Stack:
Yes I am.

Father Rory Shanahan:
Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.

Father Stack:
If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal comes in; he's very obviously drunk)

Father Ted:
Dougal, where did you go to?

Dougal:
Ted, how are ya!

Father Ted:
(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...

Dougal:
Guess what, Ted?

Father Ted:
What?

Dougal:
(confused) What?

Father Ted:
Dougal! Have you been drinking?

Dougal:
I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!

Father Ted:
Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

Dougal:
(shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.

Father Stack:
Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

Father Ted:
Oh, well, that is the last straw.

Dougal:
I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)

Father Stack:
Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal:
I can see up your trousers, Ted!

Father Ted:
Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!

Father Shanahan:
Ted, it's getting a little late.

Father Dillon:
Yes, I really think we should go.

Father Ted:
No, you don't have to go.

Father Shanahan:
I think we should.

Father Stack:
(leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.

Father Ted:
Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.

Dougal:
To the pub, Ted.

Father Noel Furlong:
Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest!

Father Dougal:
I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Ted:
[astounded] I'm sorry!?

Father Dougal:
I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Ted:
Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?

Father Dougal:
I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!

Mrs Doyle (on saying "no"):
It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want any cake!

Father Dougal (on the Magic Road):
That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes!

Father Ted:
No Dougal, that wasn't mad. That's when our Lord got a few bits of food together and made lots of food, and everyone had dinner.

Father Dougal:
Will I put on the kettle?

Father Ted:
Go on then.

Father Dougal:
Kettle's boiled there Ted.

Father Ted:
Mmm.

Father Dougal:
Will I put more water in and turn it on again?

Father Ted:
No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal.

Father Ted:
...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!

Father Dougal:
Do you want to walk over to that fence?

Father Ted:
Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement

Father Noel Furlong (on Tony Lynch):
He wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven!

Father Noel Furlong (on Ted and Dougal's strong bladders):
Ye're like a bunch of camels!

Sewage Supervisor:
Tom, please respect the sewage more. No one wants a mix-up.

Tom:
Yes, the door is open.

Sewage Supervisor:
For god sake, Tom, I'm giving you one last chance. The Green button opens the door, not the Red.

Tom:
You're in for it.

Sewage Supervisor (Coming):
I've heard enough of your nonsense.

Tom:
God! The Sewage Supervisor.

Sewage Supervisor:
Go home to daddy.

Tom:
Aah! I've been sacked.

The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...

Father Ted:
God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?

Father Dougal:
Hmmm....

Ted:
Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)

Dougal:
Aha!

Ted:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dougal:
I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....

Ted:
What?

Dougal:
I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?

Ted:
(mystified) What are you talking about?

Dougal:
Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...

Ted:
You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?

Dougal:
I did, yeah!

Ted:
Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.

Father Jack:
(Waking up) I'm a happy camper!

Father Ted:
(Using a long stick with Dougal's help to wake Jack up from distance) Father, father, wake up! It's just us.

Jack:
(Waking up) Get to feck!

Father Ted:
Come on, Father. We're going to have to move you again!

Father Jack(Throws down stick) Drrrriiink!(Reaches for his glass and begins to drink)

Father Ted:
(Panicked) Don't drink that, Father! No, it's...

Father Jack:
FECKIN' WATER!

Father Dougal:
(on struggling to make out the number eleven on his ticket) Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down.

Father Ted:
Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?

Father Jack:
CAR!

Father Ted:
Oh, god...

Father Jack:
Drived the car!

Father Ted:
Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?

Father Jack:
(looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!

Father Ted:
Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?

Father Jack:
Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!

Father Ted:
A truck?!

Father Jack:
(smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!

Father Ted:
Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.

Father Ted:
Bloody hell!

Father Dougal:
Good news Ted?

Father Ted (sitting down):
No Dougal, very bad news. The Vatican has decided to elevate the Holy Stone of Clonrichert to a Class Two Relic. They'll be sending a few bishops over, to conduct a ceremony.

Father Dougal:
(on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?

Father Ted:
No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

Bishop Fachs:
So many people are cynical about such things. You can hardly open a newspaper these days without reading some trendy anti-clerical article written by some bearded lefty!

Father Jack:
YES!!!

Bishop Fachs:
A spell in the Army would do them a world of good!

Father Jack:
THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!!!

Father Dougal:
But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!

Father Ted:
Dougal! They're bishops!

Father Dougal:
(looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...

Father Ted:
(points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.

Father Ted:
That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.

Father Ted:
Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?

Father Dougal:
(after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.

Bishop O'Neill:
So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you've been having with beliefs or anything like that?

Father Dougal:
Well you know the way God made us, and he's looking down at us from heaven?

Bishop O'Neill:
Yeah...

Father Dougal:
And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop O'Neill:
Uh huh...

Father Dougal:
And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop O'Neill:
Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal:
Well that's the part I have trouble with!

[Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up.]

Father Jack:
Drink!

Father Ted:
No Father, it's just fizzy water.

Father Jack:
Jacob's Creek chardonnay 1991!

Father Ted:
You can tell just by the sound?

Frank:
Fup off, you grasshole!

Dougal:
I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.

Ted:
Yeah?

Dougal:
Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?

Father Ted:
Half past one.

Dougal:
Half one?! And the competition is on in...

Father Ted:
May.

Father Dougal:
[Intensely] Let's do it!

Father Ted:
[Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.

[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]

Father Ted:
[Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!

Father Dougal:
The first one?

Father Ted:
[Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!

Bishop Brennan:
Crilly, it's me: Bishop Brennan.

Father Ted:
Oh feck! [Realises his mistake]

Bishop Brennan:
[Upon hearing the word that Father Ted has just said; he is now offended] WHAT!?

Father Ted:
[Putting on a bad French accent to divert Bishop Brennan's attention away] 'Oo is dis? Zere is no "Crilly" 'ere! [hangs up] Dear God, Dougal, I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!

Father Dougal:
Oh, he won't like that, Ted!

Father Ted:
Maybe it's alright, though. I put on a foreign voice so as he'll think he dialed the wrong number. [The phone rings again; Ted answers it]

Bishop Brennan:
Crilly.

Father Ted:
Ah, hello Bishop Brennan. I think you got the wrong number there-

Bishop Brennan:
[Stops Ted speaking] Shut up, Crilly - shut up! I'll make this quick. What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?

Father Ted:
[Mortified upon hearing what Bishop Brennan has just announced] Oh no!

Bishop Brennan:
Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister - and a personal friend of mine - and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a pair of socks and a hat! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements. [Turns his attention to another subject: the previous call] And Crilly...

Father Ted:
Yes, your Grace?

Bishop Brennan:
[Continues the 'previous call' subject now that he has kept Ted's attention] If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms!

Father Dougal:
It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

Tom:
Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father?

Father Ted:
Uh no Tom, no.

Tom:
Well, feck it anyway!

Father Ted:
Run Dougal, run quite fast!

Bishop Brennan:
Once again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.

Father Ted:
(trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?

Father Dougal:
(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Brennan:
What did he just say?!

Father Ted:
Ah, I can explain...

Bishop Brennan:
Did he call me 'Len' again?! You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Dougal:
Sorry, er... Father... Bishop... Len... Brennan!

Father Ted:
Because Dougal, my nerves are shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

Niamh Connolly:
The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.

Father Ted:
God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!

Father Ted:
I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.

Father Jack:
Sacrifice?! Arse!!

Nun:
On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200.

Father Ted:
£200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!

Father Ted:
Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but- This is water.

Sister Assumpta:
That's right.

Father Ted:
....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast?

Father Dougal:
Ted, I'd love a pop-tart.

Father Ted:
Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning.

Sister Assumpta:
I really don't think pop tarts have any place in our Lord's plan for the world.

Father Ted:
I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important.

Father Dougal:
What about....Frosties?

Father Ted:
Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light.

Father Dougal:
Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms-

Sister Assumpta:
FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment.

Father Fintan Stack:
I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted:
Oh, go right ahead.

Father Stack:
I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Ted:
He's not a very nice man, is he?

Dougal:
God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.

Father Ted:
Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!

[the priests are holding a competition to find out who should get the two parachutes on the plane]

Father Ted:
Father Cave, do you want to go first?

Father Cave:
I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! [sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]

Father Ted:
R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay?

[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]

Father Ted:
Well, beat that! Joe?

Father Joe Briefly:
I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! [disapproving grumbles from the other priests]

Father Ted:
Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write?

Father Flynn:
I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing.

Father Ted:
Right, well, can we have a look?

[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]

Father Flynn:
What do you think?

Father Ted:
Well, er...

Father Flynn:
It's me, in the nip, with a dog!

Father Ted:
[bewildered] What... how... how does that help you win a parachute?

Father Flynn:
What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute?

Father Ted:
The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute.

Father Flynn:
Ohh... [sits down, looking shellshocked]

Father Ted:
Okay, er, Father Jack, you next. [there is no response. The priests look around, but Jack is nowhere in sight] Father Jack? Where's Father Jack?

Pilot:
The parachutes! The parachutes have gone!

[we see Father Jack, standing at one of the aeroplane's doors; he has one of the parachutes for himself, and has strapped the other to the drinks trolley. He pushes the trolley out, then follows it]

Father Jack:
[echoing] DRIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!

[After Ted has climbed out of the plane, reattached the fuel line to the engine and saved the day, he remembers his fear of flying]

Father Ted:
[terrified] AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH!

Father Dougal:
Ted, I'm going mad.

Father Dougal:
D’know what this is like, Ted? It’s like The Sting. I’m Robert Redford and you’re Paul Newman (he leaves the room towards the right side of the open door, then he goes round before walking into the door)

Bishop Fachs:
Do you think a close relationship with the lay community is desirable, or should a certain distance be maintained?

Father Ted:
Yes...good question! I think we should...involve the lay community...but keep them at a distance.

Bishop Fachs:
How much of a distance?

Father Ted:
A couple of miles?

(The three priests and three bishops are gathered around the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, giving the blessing liturgy)

Bishop O'Neill:
Heavenly Father, hear our prayer. We pray that this rock be upgraded to a class 2 relic. And by the grace of God, bring healing to all who pass within a radius of 2½ to 3 feet of it, at your discretion. And may all who are healed in such a way give glory to you, our Lord, through your earthly form of this class 2 relic. Amen.

Everyone else:
Amen.

Father Dougal:
Eamonn.

(Bishop O'Neill exits first. He is dressed in hippy clothes)

Bishop O'Neill:
Dougal.

(Bishop O'Neill shakes Dougal's hand)

Father Dougal:
Oh. You're welcome Bishop.

Bishop O'Neill:
(correcting him). No, no. "Eddie".

Father Ted:
Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision?

Bishop O'Neill (Eddie):
No. Anyway it's too late. I'm off to India for two months with a few friends. Ah, there they are. (gives peace sign to Ted and Dougal)

(Hippies in a VW Kombi drive up)

Father Ted:
See you again then.

(Bishop O'Neill (Eddie), climbs into van with hippy friends, and is immediately given a marijuana joint, which he begins to smoke)

(Bishop Facks is the next to exit, walking very gingerly and accompanied by a paramedic)

Father Ted:
Ah, your grace. (quietly) The Holy Stone... will it still be a class 2 when they, er... (motions head towards Facks's buttocks)

(Bishop Facks does not reply and walks off into a waiting ambulance)

(Bishop Jordan is the final one to exit, in a coffin carried by two men in suits)

Father Ted:
God Bless. (Dougal gives a wave to the coffin as it passes by)

(Fathers Ted and Dougal walk inside into the living room)

Father Ted:
That went pretty well I thought.

(Father Dougal and Father Damien Lennon have finished playing football and are standing in front of Damien's parochial house)

Father Damien:
(smoking) Here, you want one? (offers cigarette to Dougal)

Father Dougal:
Ah no thanks Father Lennon.

(Father Damien puts cigarettes back into his pocket)

Father Dougal:
What time's your tea ready?

Father Damien:
Frosty usually has it about six.

Father Dougal:
Who?

Father Damien:
(annoyed). Frosty! Father Frost!

Father Dougal:
(incredibly impressed by Damien's attitude) Oh wow! "Frosty"! Brilliant!

(Father Damien flicks cigarette from his hand out of the frame)

Father Damien:
What do you call your fella?

Father Dougal:
Who, Ted? Just Ted.

(Father Damien looks very unimpressed)

Father Dougal:
But it's the way I say it, you know?

Father Damien:
He's an awful eejit isn't he?

Father Dougal:
(pauses) Yeah.

(In the background, Father Frost walks out of the parochial house)

Father Damien:
Which one do you prefer, Oasis or Blur?

Father Dougal:
Blur.

Father Damien:
(shocked) What???

Father Dougal:
Oasis! I mean Oasis!

Father Frost:
(in the background) Father Damien, your tea is ready!

Father Damien:
(yelling) I'LL BE IN INNA MINUTE!

Frank:
Fup off, ya pedrophile!

(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)

Father Ted:
Dougal, is there anything on your mind?

(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)

Father Ted:
Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way?

Father Dougal:
Like what Ted?

Father Ted:
Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong?

Father Dougal:
Wrong?

Father Ted:
Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic".

(Dougal looks clueless and confused)

Father Ted:
Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff.

(Dougal continues to look confused)

Father Ted:
What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong".

Father Dougal:
(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge) Just give me a second Ted. (stands up)

Father Ted:
Arson. There's one. (pause) Murder. (pause) Swearing.

Father Dougal:
Swearing. Yeah.

Father Ted:
Anything else?

(Dougal is racking his brains)

Father Dougal:
Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying?

Father Ted:
(animated) Well done Dougal! Yes!

Father Dougal:
Thanks Ted.

(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)

Father Ted:
Dougal are you all right?

Father Dougal:
I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down.

(Dougal sits back down)

Father Ted:
Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there.

Father Dougal:
No worries Ted.

(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)

Father Ted:
Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing.

(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)

Father Ted:
What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do.

Father Dougal:
Right. Except you.

Father Ted:
(shocked) What?

Father Dougal:
Well you're allowed to steal.

Father Ted:
(indignant) What are you talking about?

Father Dougal:
The money. From that Lourdes thing.

(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)

Father Ted:
(defensively) Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!

Father Dougal:
It was resting for a long time Ted.

Father Ted:
Yes, but...

Father Dougal:
A good long rest.

Father Ted:
(frustrated) Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU!

Father Dougal:
Is there anything you want to tell me about?

(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)

Father Ted:
This, for example?

(Ted and Dougal are trying to write a song for the Eurosong contest)

Dougal:
(excitedly) I think... I think I have a lyric!

Father Ted:
Right. Lyrics! (gets pen and paper) Go ahead there Dougal.

Dougal:
What's it called again?

Father Ted:
"My Lovely Horse"

Dougal:
Right. How about this?

My Lovely Horse,

I want to hold you so tight

I want to rub my fingers through your tail

and love you all night

Father Ted:
Dougal, Dougal, stop there! We want to keep out of the whole area of actually being in love with the horse.

Dougal:
Oh right.

Father Ted:
It's more that we're friends with the horse that we want to jump around with it and have a good laugh with it.

Dougal:
Right, but what about something like

Take this lump of sugar baby

You know you want it

Dougal:
That'd be something like those rap fellas would write.

Father Ted:
You can forget about them Dougal. You can forget about "Icy-T" and "Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog". They're no help to us now.

(Ted is trying to present himself to Charles Hedges as a very progressive catholic)

Father Ted:
(animated) Anyway, don't mind what the church thinks. It used to think the earth was flat! (laughs). It's like you know, sometimes, the Pope says things he doesn't really mean. We all get things wrong, even the Pope.

Charles Hedges:
But what about Papal infallibility?

Father Ted:
Yes.

(Ted pauses and thinks)

Father Ted:
(uncertain) Is it for everything? The infallibility, do you know?

Charles Hedges:
(shrugs shoulders) Well I don't know.

Father Ted:
(laughs again) Right, anyhow. Nothing to do with me!

(The opening credits of "Father Ben" begin playing)

Father Dougal:
(excited) Ted! Ted! Quick! It's "Father Ben"!

(Ted comes rushing in to watch)

Father Ted:
God, I love this!

(The show within the show begins. Father Ben is sitting on a lounge that looks exactly like the one in Father Ted)

(In the show, Father Brendan appears, with something on his head)

Father Brendan (on TV):
God, Ben! I'm such an eejit! I put the shorts... on me head!

(Fathers Ted and Dougal laugh)

Father Ben (on TV):
God almighty Brendan, you really are a big fool!

Father Ted:
(laughing at show) This is really top notch stuff.

Father Dougal:
(nodding) That Brendan's an eejit!

Father Ted:
I know someone just like Ben... Big thicko!

(Ted and Dougal and wondering what to do to solve their rabbit problem)

Father Ted:
What are we going to do?

Father Dougal:
Well wait now now. There is actually something we can do Ted. If we errr now let me see now. Just wait a second there. Er Ah. I know. I know. I've got it Ted.

Father Ted:
What?

Father Dougal:
Right now, now. The way I see it is, if we errr, now wait a second. Errm. What's the problem again?

Father Ted:
THE RABBITS!

Father Dougal:
(finding more rabbits in a room next to Father Jack's) Ted, there's loads more in here. Look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella Harvey Keitel?

Father Ted:
Harvey Keitel? How could a rabbit look like... God Almighty! It's the spitting image of him!

(Father Dougal is reading a Music magazine. Niamh Connolly is on the front cover wearing boxing gloves)

Father Ted:
(seeing magazine cover) There she is again. She's all over the place.

(Ted looks closer at the magazine cover. A closeup of the boxing gloves reveals the words "Clit Power")

Father Ted:
"Clit Power". What does that mean?

Father Dougal:
Don't know.

Father Ted:
I knew a Father Clint Power. Maybe she's having a go at him?

(Niamh Connolly is being interviewed on TV again)

Niamh Connolly:
Craggy Island. Yeah. Craggy Island's the place for me.

(Ted and Dougal are watching the TV in shock)

Niamh Connolly:
I see it as being a safe haven for those who wish to escape the hypocrisy of the mainland.

Father Ted:
God!

Niamh Connolly:
I wish to create a world free from sexual and religious intolerance

Father Ted:
No that's terrible news!

(Ted switches TV off)

Father Ted:
Right! Basically we have to stand our ground. If she's on the island I'm bound to bump into her. I'll just tell her the people of Craggy island will NOT stand for a world free of sexual and religious intolerance!

Father Dougal:
(animated in his agreement) No Way! Jose!

(Father Ted is judging "The Lovely Girls" competition)

Father Ted:
(speaking into microphone) And now... walking!

(The girls begin walking around traffic cones as if they are at an animal show)

Father Ted:
Look at them there. Walking around. Look out there Mary! Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?

Father Liam:
(Walks up to Ted and speaks quietly) Careful there Ted. That might offend the girls.

Father Ted:
(agrees, then speaks into microphone) Of course. They all have lovely bottoms!

(The Lovely Girls competition is now down to the final two girls, whose lovely laugh must determine the winner)

Father Ted:
(in microphone) It's between Imelda and Mary in the lovely laugh tie break!

(Imelda and Mary stand facing each other. Ted stands between them. )

Father Ted:
In order to hear your lovely laugh, I'll have to tell you a joke. So here we go... this is my Robin Williams impression.

(Father Ted begins joke)

Secretary:
The invisible man is in reception

Boss:
Tell him I can't see him!

(Imelda and Mary lean forward to laugh into Ted's microphone)

Father Dougal:
You all right there? How's your bra?

Niamh Connolly:
WHAT?!

Father Dougal:
Your bra! Is it comfortable? Do you have a bra?

(Niamh shakes her head in disapproval)

Father Dougal:
It's not too tight, is it? 'Cause you can loosen it if you want. Take it off, sure, go on.

(Niamh looks uncomfortable)

Father Dougal:
Or would you like some tea? I'll tell you what, I'll make the tea and you take your bra off. [gets up]

Father Dougal:
Oh. That's the other thing Ted. I sold Niamh the house.

Father Ted:
Alright. This is a long shot, but it's our only hope.

(Ted pulls out paper and pencil

Father Ted:
I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here and hopefully in the morning God will have written down what we should do.

(Ted is trying to convince Niamh to give them back the parochial house)

Father Ted:
We're a very progressive parish!

Niamh Connolly:
I hope it's not a hideaway for pedophile priests. That whole thing disgusted me!

Father Ted:
Well Niamh, we're not all like that. Say if there's two hundred million priests in the world and five percent are pedophiles, that's still only ten million.

(Niamh is confused at Ted's statement)

Father Ted:
No. What we wanted to create here was a world free of intolerance and hypocrisy.

Niamh Connolly:
Really Father?

Father Ted:
Yes. If there's one thing I hate it is hypocrisy.

(A happy Father Liam suddenly comes to the window with a newspaper. He pointed Ted the front page in big bold headlines reading '"Priest praises lovely bottoms"')

(The Matty Hyslop group have sent a nun around to help them keep their Lenten vows)

Father Ted:
Hello there. (Ted realises who it is) Ah! Sister Assumpta!

Sister Assumpta:
(shakes Ted's hand) Hello Father!

Father Ted:
Dougal! Do you remember Sister Assumpta?

(pause)

Father Dougal:
Ah no.

Father Ted:
She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent back in Kildare. Do you remember it?

(Dougal shakes his head. No)

Father Ted:
Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper.

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted:
You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah you must remember it Dougal!

(Assumpta and Ted look eagerly at Dougal, who continues to be confused and not remember)

Sister Assumpta:
And when you were accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!

(pause)

Sister Assumpta:
And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted:
Do you remember? You can't remember any of that?

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted:
The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? You don't remember?

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted:
You were wearing your blue jumper.

Father Dougal:
(suddenly remembers) Ahhhh! Sister Assumpta! (shakes her hand)

(having had enough of Sister Assumpta's methods, Ted and Dougal plan to escape)

Father Ted:
I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral or something.

Father Dougal:
Or... an autopsy! Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead! That'd be more exciting!

Father Jack:
DRINK! FECK! ARSE! GIRLS!

Horse racing commentator:
And it's Divorce Referendum in the lead, followed by Glory Be To God. Glory Be To God creeps ahead of Divorce Referendum...

Father Ted:
Come on, Divorce Referendum! Come on, Divorce Referendum!

Horse racing commentator:
Divorce Referendum is way in front; Divorce Referendum is speeding towards victory...

Father Ted:
Yes! Yes!

Horse racing commentator:
Oh, no! Disaster for Divorce Referendum as he turns in the opposite direction and simply runs off the course!

Father Ted:
Oh, flip! You flipping, flipping flipper! Oh, it's the knacker's yard for you, pal!

Father Fintan Stack:
I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted:
Oh, go right ahead.

Father Stack:
I wasn't asking for permission.

(Father Stack plays Limb by Limb by Cutty Ranks on his Boombox)

Limb by Limb, we are gon cut dem down

Send fi the hacksaw, take out the tongue.

See me me me me me, see di hit man ah come.

See me me me me me, said me just can dun.

Father Gallagher:
Shouldn't we not just have a bit of an old pray, and maybe God will help us, and...

[He trails off, noticing that all the other priests are cringing in mortification, and promptly sits back down]

Father Ted:
Aaaaanyway...

(Ted is having a pleasant dream when Dougal wakes him up)

Dougal:
[Excitedly] Ted! Ted!

Ted:
[startled] Wah! What?! What?!

Dougal:
[holding out a bag of peanuts] Would you like a peanut?

Ted:
A peanut? You woke me up to offer me a peanut?! God, Dougal!

Dougal:
Sorry Ted.

Ted:
Go to bed!

(Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts)

Dougal:
God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.

Father Ted:
Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What would you say is behind tomorrow's window, Father Jack?

Father Jack:
A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS!

Father Ted:
Well... who knows?

Father Jack:
KNICKERS!

Father Ted:
Yes, Father.

Father Jack:
WOMEN'S KNICKERS!

Father Ted:
Yes, Father, yes! Message understood! God almighty!

Father Ted:
Oh God, we're in the Lingerie! Dougal. We're in Lingerie!

Dougal:
Where's the problem there, Ted?

(Eight priests are now lost in Ireland's biggest lingerie section)

Father Ted:
Father Bigley, I want you on point.

Father Ted:
Who's got the most boring voice?

Billy:
What?

Father Ted:
Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?

Fitzgerald:
(extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...

Father Ted:
Right, now, listen to me--

Fitzgerald:
I have an awful, dreary monotonous voice, God help me...

Father Ted:
Yes, yes, now listen--

Reilly:
(loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?

Fitzgerald:
No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.

Reilly:
In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!

Father Ted:
Listen! This is what we're going to do...

Dougal:
(to Father Terry) What's going on?

Terry:
I think Ted has a plan.

Dougal:
No, I mean in general.

Terry:
Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.

Fitzgerald:
(speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...

(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)

Father Ted:
(grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way! Move!

Father Ted:
Hello, is this "being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out exactly why"?

Priest 1:
No, this is "how to break the news of a death".

Priest 2:
We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, "Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!"

Priest 1:
Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like "remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh?"

Mrs. Doyle:
Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call. I think you were supposed to do a funeral today...

Father Ted:
[horrified] The funeral! I completely forgot all about it!

Mrs. Doyle:
It's alright! Father McGuire said he'd do it.

Father Ted:
[calming down] That's ok so... [realises what she said and panics] DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL?! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL?!

[cut to a cemetery, where the hearse is sticking out of the open grave, and on fire, with the coffin propped up against it. Paramedics help the funeralgoers to safety, while a soot-faced undertaker glares at Dougal]

Dougal:
Sorry about that.

[the hearse explodes]

[Mrs Doyle is trying to guess the name of a priest who is attending the Golden Cleric award ceremony]

Mrs Doyle:
Father Andy Riley.

Priest:
No.

Mrs Doyle:
Father Desmond Coyle. [priest shakes head] Father George Byrne? Father David Nicholson? Father Declan Lynch?

Priest:
I'll give you a clue.

Mrs Doyle:
NO CLUES!! I'll get it in a second. Father Ken Sweeney? Father Neil Hannon? Father Keith Cullen? Father Ciaran Donnelly? Father Mick McEvoy? Father Jack White?

[fade out and back in; Mrs Doyle still guessing]

Mrs Doyle:
Father Henry Bigbigging? Father Hank Tree? Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Stig Bubblecard? Father Johnny Hellzapoppin’? Father Luke Duke? Father Billy Ferry? Father Chewy Louie? Father John Hoop? Father Hairycake Lynam? Father Rabulah Conundrum? Father Peewee Stairmaster? Father Tighthead Lips? Father Jemima Ractoole? Father Jerry Twig? Father Spodo Komodo? Father Cannabranna Lammer? Father Todd Unctious?

Priest (Father Todd Unctious):
YES! Well done!

[Mrs Doyle looks very pleased with herself]

Mrs Doyle:
I like the misery!

Mrs Doyle:
Tea-rific!