Father Ted, Series 3

Father Ted:
"God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."

Father Dougal:
"I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."

Father Ted:
"Why?"

Father Dougal:
"Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"

Father Ted:
"DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist!"

Father Dougal:
"Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist."

Father Ted:
"The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist!"