Father Ted, Series 3

[on discovering that Father Jack has taken to living in a box]

Father Ted:
Maybe he's agoraphobic.

Father Dougal:
Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.

Callum:
Hello there, Father!

Father Ted:
Ah, hello Callum! Out and about?

Callum:
Ah-ha. Same as yourself?

Father Ted:
Good good!

Callum:
I hear you're a racist now, Father?

Father Ted:
...wh-what?

Callum:
How'd you get interested in that type of thing?

Father Ted:
Who said I'm a racist?!

Callum:
Everyone's saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the church has taken on this?

Father Ted:
No! No-

Callum:
Only, the farm takes up most of the day, and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full time to the old racism.

Mrs. Carberry:
Good for you, Father!

Father Ted:
What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry!

Mrs. Carberry:
Good for you, Father! Glad someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking and our jobs and our women and acting like the own the feckin' place! Well done Father! Good for you! Good for you! I'd like to feckin'... [slipping and sliding on the muddy ground] Feckin' Greeks!

Callum:
It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after.

Father Ted:
I'M NOT AFTER THE CHINESE!

Mrs. Carberry:
I don't care who he gets as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness!

Father Ted:
Look, we are not having a go at anybody! I am not a racist, alright?! God!

Mrs. Carberry:
FECKIN' GREEKS!

[...]

Callum:
How's Mary?

Mrs. Carberry:
She's fine, she got that job after all!

Callum:
Great!

Father Ted:
But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.

Father Ted:
I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink! (All cheer)

[Father Fitzpatrick and his Nazi friend take two valium]

Father Seamus Fitzpatrick:
Wait, these aren't Valium! These are the cyanide we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble!

Nazi Veteran:
Oh, shut up!

Father Seamus Fitzpatrick:
You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live!

Father Ted:
"God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."

Father Dougal:
"I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."

Father Ted:
"Why?"

Father Dougal:
"Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"

Father Ted:
"DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist!"

Father Dougal:
"Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist."

Father Ted:
"The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist!"

Ted:
There were a lot of sloppy efforts in the best baby competition this year. A lot of babies who really hadn't made any effort. And the hairiness of some of those babies: there were a lot of very hairy babies for some reason.

Dougal:
Well, Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before the show...

Pat:
You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?

Father Ted:
Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!

[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very begining of the episode; last line of the episode]

Father Dougal:
Those women were in the nip!

Mr. Fox:
(Dougal's New Boss) You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite.

Mrs. Doyle:
Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Father Ted:
What! How dare you!

Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner):
Yes, too big for the milk float.

Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew

Father Ted:
You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.

Father Dougal:
Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.

Father Ted:
Should I?

Father Dougal:
Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.

Father Ted:
Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I?

Father Dougal:
Yeah, go on!

Father Ted:
Okay, hold the camera.

[Ted walks over to Wilson, who is talking to a tour guide]

Father Ted:
(yells loudly) I don't believe it!

[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]

Richard Wilson:
I'll bloody well kill you!

[Ted eventually escapes Wilson, and walks back to Dougal, looking shellshocked]

Father Dougal:
Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?

Father Ted:
No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now.

Father Ted:
There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!

[last line of the episode; Richard Wilson has just arrived at the Parochial House, and Ted has answered the door]

Richard Wilson:
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Father Dougal:
Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?

Father Ted:
No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.

Father Ted:
Last year, Dick made me photocopy my own rear end. They never let me in that library again.

Father Ted:
So there's...no way he'll be able to play?

Father Niall:
No. No, he's dead.

Father Dick Byrne:
[on the phone] I am going to win again, Ted!

Father Ted:
Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?

[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]

Father Ted:
DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE!

Father Ted:
More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.

Mrs Doyle:
(hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understnding football for women") Go on... my son.

Father Dougal:
Got the forfeit, Ted!

Father Ted:
Oh God...

Father Dougal:
Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.

Father Ted:
All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!

Father Dougal:
Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...

Father Ted:
What is it!? Break it to me gently!

Father Dougal:
All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...

Father Ted:
What?

Father Dougal:
You have to...

Father Ted:
What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!

[Ted is dreaming of his new parish; a tropical island, where two of the natives have dragged him to the edge of a volcano as a human sacrifice]

Father Ted:
Ah come on now, lads!

Native:
Quetzacoatl, the Volcano God is angry! We must appease his wrath!

Father Ted:
Volcano God, what nonsense! Look, I'll ask again, will you not give Catholicism another try?

Native:
Nah, it wouldn't really catch on here. And sure, we don't agree with the Pope's line on artificial contraception; it's the 90s, for God's sake! [they throw Ted in]

Father Ted:
I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Bishop Brennan:
Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!

Dougal:
Oh right. (pause) Well done.

Bishop Brennan:
Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?

Father Jack:
Arse biscuits!

Father Jessup:
What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!

Father Jack:
[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.

Father Ted:
[addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

[During Bishop Brennan's meeting with Pope John Paul II]

Bishop Brennan:
HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?

Bishop Brennan:
[angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!

Father Ted:
[to Father Jack, scaring him] FECK OFF!!

Father Dougal:
It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.

Eoin McLove:
Go away... (pause for thought) ...you big dirty pile of old biddies!

Eoin McLove:
Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!

Father Dougal:
(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there

Father Dougal:
You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds

Patsy:
Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."

Father Ted:
Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?

Eoin:
I have no willy.

Eoin McLove:
Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?

Father Ted:
(long pause across end credits) Jim?

Father Cagney:
I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?

Father Ted:
Yeah, by the balls!

Father Cagney:
I was gonna say by the shoulders...

Ted:
Night, Dougal.

Dougal:
Night, Ted.

Father Ted:
Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window!

Father Seamus Fitzpatrick:
You old fool, I've sheltered you for fifty years, you've never even made me a cup of tea!

Nazi Veteran:
You make the tea, I do the washing up!

Father Seamus Fitzpatrick:
When did you do the washing up?!

Nazi Veteran:
I did it for the whole of 1947, and again in 1973!

Father Seamus Fitzpatrick:
YOU LIAR! You broke all the plates and then you said "Ah, I am so tired! I never had to wash up plates when I was in the Wehrmacht!

[After unwittingly bringing the Chinese back to a Parochial House full of Nazi memorabilia]

Father Ted:
I can explain! [beat] Actually, no, I can't.

Mrs Doyle:
Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (laughs simperingly)

Father Ted:
I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)

Mrs Doyle (suddenly serious):
Yes.

Father Ted (taken aback):
What?

Mrs Doyle:
Yes, we do have some sheep tea.

Father Ted:
Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then.

Mrs Doyle (overjoyed):
Okay so!

Indiscernible audience member at the competition (whenever something shocking is revealed):
F***in' hell!

Alan:
Should I call the police, Father?

Father Ted:
No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.

Father Ted:
"If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet..."

Father Jack:
AH, FECK! [Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting] Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck!

Father Ted:
"I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence."

Father Ted:
[trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?

Mrs Doyle:
Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!

Father Jack:
I love my brick!

Father Ted:
Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--

[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]

Father Jack:
Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!

Pat:
[In a menacing phone call to Ted] You got me sacked. And now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I'm not getting proper sex with girls!

Father Dougal:
"[after Ted puts the brick on the accelerator and tells him to step off the float, waving the brick in the air]" Ted! You forgot your brick!"

Father Jack:
Feckin' birds again.

(Jack is having his eyesight tested).

Optician:
Well I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be perfect. He read all the way down to the last line of the chart, and even I can't see that one.

(The chart is reavealed to repeat the word "drink" over and over.)

Ted:
I see. Thing is, Jack has a great fondness for that particular word.

Optician:
Well, it's the first time I've used that particular chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.

Ted:
Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave.)

Optician:
And now for a chart made by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. (She replaces the chart with a new chart which repeats the words "Feck Arse" over and over.)

[Father Jack is unwittingly attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]

Ronald:
At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.

Father Jack:
YES!

Ronald:
Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.

Father Jack:
DRINK!

Ronald:
I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.

Father Jack:
Blehhhhh!

Tour Guide:
Now, this rock here is actually granite.

Father Ted:
How long would that have been there?

Tour Guide:
Oh, many, many millions of years.

Father Ted:
Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.

Father Dougal:
How come all the rocks are different sizes?

Tour Guide:
Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.

Father Dougal:
Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.

Tour Guide:
Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.

Father Dougal:
How did everyone breathe?

Father Ted:
They'd have had some sort of apparatus.

Father Dougal:
Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!

Tour Guide:
This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.

Father Ted:
Really? Wow, I don't believe it.

[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]

Richard Wilson:
You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!

Tony:
(Losing patience) WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

Noel Furlong:
(Offended) Well...well i never...i. Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing).There...your in for it now Tony... (Suddenly happy again) HA! Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony".

Father Noel Furlong:
[with only his hand visible] They were just going to find the tour operator, tell him I'm burried under a huge pile of rocks and be right back.

[cut to] :
Aer Lingus staff: And that's four tickets to Paraguay.

Father Dougal:
There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island.

Father Dougal:
God, Ted. D'you remember that fella who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?

Father Ted:
Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags.

Father Dougal:
Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do.

Father Ted:
Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?

Dougal:
Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.

Mrs. Doyle:
Shall I make the beds in the spare room?

Father Jessup:
[sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!

Mrs. Doyle:
OK so... would you like a cup of tea?

Father Jessup:
[sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle:
[uncertain] Ok so...

Father Ted:
[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...

Mrs. Doyle:
Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?

Father Jessup:
[still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle:
[looks confusedly at Father Ted]

Father Ted:
[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.

Mrs. Doyle:
[very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?

Father Jessup:
[exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]

Mrs. Doyle:
[takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]

Father Dougal:
I'm hugely confused, Ted...

Father Jack:
They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...

Father Dougal:
He's right, Ted.

Eoin McLove:
(To Ted) I can have you killed!

Father Ted:
The way I feel now...I could convert gays!

Mrs Doyle:
I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!

Dougal:
Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!

Ted:
No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.

Dougal:
What, the anti-Santa?!

Dougal:
Who are you? What are you doing here?

Father Ted:
This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.

Dougal:
America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?

Ted:
He didn't, Dougal... he died.

Dougal:
Oh right.

Sean Yin:
Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. But the free drink, very much appreciated! Thank you Father Crilly!

Father Ted:
Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up; I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink!

All:
Hooray!

[...]

Father Ted:
To China!

All:
Hooray!

Sean Yin:
To Craggy Island!

All:
Hooray!

Father Ted:
More drink!

All:
Hooray!

Bartender:
I'm sorry, the bar's closed.

All:
Hooray!

Father Ted:
Tell you what, how about everybody goes back to my place for a drink?

All:
Hooray!

Father Dougal:
Wait, I need to go to the toilet first!

All:
Hooray!

Fargo:
Father Crilley! Hello there!

Father Ted:
Fargo! (nods towards Chris the sheep) How's the champ?

Fargo:
Ah he's great. Few quid on him this year Father?

Father Ted:
I put the entire annual heating allowance on him to win.

Fargo:
If he doesn't win... what does that mean Father?

Father Ted:
Well... we won't have any heating. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer, we're laughing!

(Hud and Giant are having a practiced conversation in front of Chris the sheep, knowing that the animal is listening to them)

Hud:
Have you heard of this creature going around terrorizing animals on the island?

Giant:
No! Tell me more.

Hud:
They say it's as big as a jaguar.

Giant:
The car?

Hud:
No, the big cat thing. And its face is nothing but big white teeth as sharp as knives.

Giant:
Has it killed yet?

Hud:
No, but it's only a matter of time.

Giant:
Hope it doesn't attack me and my sheep.

Hud:
Not even a man's sheep is safe.

Giant:
Oh dear.

(The camera moves to a close up of Chris the Sheep's face)

Hud:
Oooohhhh... (ie worrying sound)

Giant:
Oooohhhh...

Hud:
Oooohhhh...

(Worrying sounds from Hud and Giant continue)

(Dougal is listening to a BBC sound effects record while Ted reads the paper)

Father Dougal:
I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.

Father Ted:
You know, from what I hear the charts today, I'm not sure if that's happening already!

Father Dougal:
(confused) What?

Dougal:
(referring to the baby competition) I thought the standard this year was rubbish.

Ted:
It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn't be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.

Dougal:
Exactly Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean...

Pat:
(still laughing evilly in the phone box) Oh yes, I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman, Father. (puts on sunglasses) Well, if you don't mind, I'm off. Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up (the bomb-rigged milk float, now with no driver, wanders up behind the phone box without Pat noticing), you'll hear it all the way to the North Po-

(The scene cuts to an Inuit man fishing in the Arctic. He hears a large explosion and looks around in confusion, indicating that the milk float has detonated, killing Pat. The scene then cuts to the parochial house telephone, which is now buzzing.)

Tour Guide:
That part's not open to the– [sees Richard Wilson] Oh, Mr Wilson, can I just say how incredibly sorry I–

Richard Wilson:
No, that's all right, that's all right. As long as I don't have to hear that bloody catchphrase again.

Father Jack:
Pub! DRINK! [goes inside the pub and starts pounding on the bar] DRINK, DRINK, DRINK! DRINK!

[Ronald happens by the pub, and sees Jack through the window. He runs inside and grabs a bottle of whiskey out of Jack's hands]

Ronald:
Don't do it, Father! I won't let you do it! I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for--

[cut to an ambulance driving down the street, with its lights flashing and siren sounding]

Father Dougal:
Ted, I'm going mad.

Bishop Brennan:
Alright, Crilly, I’ll make this short. Show me the likeness and I'll be off. I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the pope.

Dougal:
I love those programmes. Have you seen the one with Elton John?

Bishop Brennan:
SHUT UP!

Mrs Doyle:
Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper?

Father Jessup:
He locked me in here! Oh God... The smell!

Mrs Doyle:
Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there?

Father Jessup:
Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out..."

Mrs Doyle:
[thinks for a few moments, before coming to a conclusion] Okay so! [leaves]

Father Jessup:
Where are you going? HELP ME!

(Father Ted and Father Cagney are wearing motorbike helmets to protect themselves from Father Jack's nail cutting)

Father Cagney:
How much money did this parish bring in last year?

Father Ted:
How much money? God I don't know.

(One of Father Jack's fingernails is clipped and breaks a window)

Father Ted:
Another bloody window gone!.. I suppose we take in about 150, maybe 200 pounds.

(Another one of Father Jack's fingernails flies free and strikes Ted in the helmet)

Father Ted:
Mrs Doyle! Aim into the wall, please.

Father Cagney:
200 pounds huh? What's that? Not even 400 dollars. You know what I'd do with 400 dollars? I'd wipe my ass with 400 dollars.

(Father Ted is disgusted at this)

Father Ted:
Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

Mrs Doyle:
Well, as long as we all go to America with you... that's the important thing. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, I'd have to say that that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. A disappointment like that? I don't see how I could live with it. I might have to take the ultimate step... and take my own life!

Father Ted:
Mrs Doyle that's a terrible thing to say!

Mrs Doyle:
Well it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! (laughs hysterically)

(Ted, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle are standing in the check-in queue at the airport)

Dougal:
(genuinely excited) You know Ted, all my life I've dreamed about something really special happening to me, and now it is! I think this is the greatest moment of my life!

Mrs Doyle:
(her head popping up behind Dougal) Me too!

Father Jack:
BIG BRAS!

Dougal:
That's mad, Ted.

Mrs Doyle:
Go on, go on, go on, go on...