Father Ted, Series 1

Father Ted:
Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan:
Fat chance - you're here until I tell you otherwise. You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted:
Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan:
No, no, no - you are here until ALL of that money is ACCOUNTED FOR.

Father Ted:
I don't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan:
ENOUGH! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage...! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted:
Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan:
The amount of people's lives irreperably damaged!

Dougal:
They were only Nuns.

Bishop Brennan:
Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I just want to get this film business over and done with.

Father Ted:
Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan:
This blasphemous film: "The Passion of St. Tibulus" - now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this god-forsaken dump!

Dougal:
Oh yes, that's right, is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan:
I DON'T CARE if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted:
What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan:
Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a Nun shoot in a Nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Dougal:
Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan:
Listen, this is very serious - don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted:
Bishop, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan:
NOTHING is your area, Crilly. You DO NOT HAVE an area, unless it's a kind of a PLAY area, with sandcastles and buckets and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?