Father Ted, Series 1

(After Dougal pretends to be on Top of the Pops using the screen from the broken TV.)

Father Jack:
How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!

(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.)

Father Dougal:
Knock, knock!

Father Ted:
Who's there?

Father Dougal:
Father Dougal McGuire.

Father Ted:
Good night Dougal!

Tom:
(With "I Shot JR" on T Shirt: Hello Father!

Father Ted:
Hello Tom. Tele Eireann, did you show them here?

Tom:
I did, yeah. But they filmed a bit of the Island first. They'll be back soon.

Father Ted:
Right, I'll just wait in the field.

Tom:
Father?

Father Ted:
Yes, Tom?

Tom:
I've killed a man.

Father Ted:
(nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television!

Terry (On the phone to Ted):
Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps.

Ted (smiling):
Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. They go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'.

Father Dougal:
Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

Mary:
Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits!

John:
At least that's one pair between us.

Father Dougal:
They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this oul fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.

Father Ted:
How old was he?

Father Dougal:
I'd say he was about 80.

Father Ted:
And how long were you up on him?

Father Dougal:
About an hour?

Father Ted:
So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Father Ted:
It's like asking the Holy Mother to stop appearing to schoolgirls at Ballinspittle."

Father Ted:
Father, are you awake? (Jack wakes up to see Ted covered in a rugby outfit and a crash helmet.

Father Ted:
Father, we have a visitor.

Father Jack:
(Later, Jack punches Ted out of the window.) Feck Off!

Father Ted:
Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan:
Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted:
Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan:
No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

Father Ted:
I don't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan:
Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted:
Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan:
The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!

Dougal:
They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan:
Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Father Ted:
Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan:
This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!

Dougal:
Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan:
I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted:
What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan:
Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Dougal:
Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan:
Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted:
Bishop, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan:
Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?

Father Ted:
Down with this sort of thing!

Dougal:
Careful now!

Dougal:
Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?

Father Ted:
That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Bishop Brennan:
(Looking inside the parochial House and spots Father Jack, asleep in his armchair.)Jack, hwat the hell are you doing here? Why aren't at the film?

Father Jack:
Feck off!

Bishop Brennan:
What?!What did you say?(Jack looks at him smiling innocently.)

Bishop Brennan:
Right, now I think it would be best for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside my jurisdiction! Now Ted, I thought you might like to go to America. What part, do you reckon?

Father Ted:
Um...Las Vegas?

Bishop Brennan:
Oh, I'm sorry Ted, I meant South America. Ah, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never found the right man to bring them to gether in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, Ted, are the man!

Father Ted:
[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!

Bishop Brennan:
No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

Henry Sellers:
I'll give you a clue: you live there.

Contestant #1:
Oh sorry, I lent on the buzzer by accident.

Henry Sellers:
Okay, moving on. A stitch in time saves how many?

Contestant #1:
Oops, sorry!

Contestant #2:
London?

Sergeant Deegan:
God, this reminds me of Vietnam.

Father Ted:
Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?

Sergeant Deegan:
Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

Henry Sellers:
Oh what a shower of bastards!

Father Dunne:
Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?

Father Ted:
I didn't know this would happen!

Father Dunne:
That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!

Father Ted:
How was I supposed to know?

Henry Sellers:
Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!

Father Ted:
Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?

Henry Sellers:
Get away from me, priest!

Father Ted:
Perhaps it's time to go to bed!

Father Ted:
(After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!

Henry Sellers:
Do you want a fight?!

Henry Sellers:
Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!

Father Ted:
Absolutely!

Henry Sellers:
Made my life a bloody misery!

Father Ted:
Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!

Henry Sellers:
Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (smashes through window)

Father Dougal:
It's true what they say isn't it, you should never meet your heroes, you'll only be disappointed!

Henry Sellers:
Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers!

Father Ted:
Henry, no!

[Henry drinks the glass of champagne in one gulp]

Henry Sellers:
Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers!

[Henry throws himself out of the window, and the sound of his voice trails off]

Father Ted:
Well, there he goes again.

Father Dougal:
You're right there, Ted.

Father Ted:
Never mind, we can look for him in the morning.

Mrs Doyle:
Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out.

Father Jack:
Me arse!

Mrs Doyle (to Father Dougal):
Would you like him on, manual or automatic, Father?

Father Dougal:
Automatic, I think. It's a nice day, we might as well take it easy.

Father Ted:
That's right, Dougal. You take your time.

Mrs Doyle:
[quoting Polly Clark's books] "Eff you! Eff your effing wife! I'll stick this effing pitchforkup your hole", oh that was another one, oh yes![...] "Bastard this" and "Bastard that", you can't move for the bastards in her novels; it's wall-to-wall bastards![...] You bastard, you fecker, you bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face! [...] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Father Ted:
(as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya?

Tom:
No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica):
So then, you're a nun!

Father Ted (to Father Jack):
Ah come on Father, you're not dead again are you?

Father Dougal (giving the last rites):
Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it...

Father Jim Sutton:
Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope! No no no, he's dead Ted awww we'll never see him again!

Father Ted:
We'll see him in the next world.

Father Jim Sutton:
Oh yeah, sure!!

Laura Sweeney:
When is the funeral again?

Father Dougal:
Again? We haven't had the first one yet!

Father Dougal (on confessions):
A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that?

Father Ted:
[quoting The Dead] "It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..."

Father Jack:
SHUT THE FECK UP!

Mrs Doyle:
Who's for tea?

Father Jack:
Tea?! Feck!

Mrs Doyle:
Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?

Father Jack:
Feck off, cup!

(Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.)

Father Dougal:
Our Father, who art in heaven...

Father Ted:
(sternly) Hallowed.

Father Dougal:
Hallowed be thy..

Father Ted:
Name!

Father Dougal:
Papa don't preach...

Father Ted:
Dougal, you know you can praise God in other ways.

Father Dougal:
Oh yeah, like that time you told me I could praise him just by leaving the room.

Father Ted:
Yes, that was a good one all right.

(As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.)

Father Jack:
That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)

Father Ted:
Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Ted:
That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.

Father Dougal:
Your brother is a doctor isn't he?

Father Ted:
Yes he is.

Dermot Stone:
Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed!

Bishop Brennan:
Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?

Father Jack:
Feck off!

Bishop Brennan:
What did you say! (gets up)

Father Ted:
Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan:
Fat chance - you're here until I tell you otherwise. You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted:
Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan:
No, no, no - you are here until ALL of that money is ACCOUNTED FOR.

Father Ted:
I don't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan:
ENOUGH! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage...! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted:
Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan:
The amount of people's lives irreperably damaged!

Dougal:
They were only Nuns.

Bishop Brennan:
Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I just want to get this film business over and done with.

Father Ted:
Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan:
This blasphemous film: "The Passion of St. Tibulus" - now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this god-forsaken dump!

Dougal:
Oh yes, that's right, is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan:
I DON'T CARE if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted:
What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan:
Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a Nun shoot in a Nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Dougal:
Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan:
Listen, this is very serious - don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted:
Bishop, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan:
NOTHING is your area, Crilly. You DO NOT HAVE an area, unless it's a kind of a PLAY area, with sandcastles and buckets and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?

Bishop Brennan:
People are coming from all over the country to see the film! They're even coming from Gdańsk to see the film!

Henry Sellers:
What is the capital of the UK? Is it (a), New York, (b), London (he nods unsubtly), or (c), Munich?

Mrs Doyle:
Fair enough.

Father Jack:
(as Dougal wheels him on his chair with Mrs Doyle holding the door) Nuns! NUNS! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica):
Ted says you were touching him!

Sister Monica:
Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead!

Father Dougal:
What's the problem there, sister?

Father Dougal:
So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents...,

Father Ted:
Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.

Father Dougal:
That happened to my uncle once. His heart stopped, and he was fine afterwards.

Father Ted:
His heart stopped? How long for?

Father Dougal:
A week.

Father Ted:
A week? And he was fine afterwards?

Father Dougal:
Er, no. Actually, now I think about it, he died.

Father Dougal, catching Jack's will after Ted faints:
Half a million pounds each? (Scans document) Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused)

Father Dougal to Laura Sweeney:
If you're a solicitor I'm Boy George. (Next scene) Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

Father Ted:
It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.

Father Dougal:
Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?

Father Ted:
Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...

Father Dougal:
Ah, you would. They use very bad language.

Father Ted:
Effin' this and effin' that...

Father Dougal:
Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...

Father Ted:
Now, Dougal!

Father Dougal:
Ted do you believe in the afterlife?

Father Ted:
Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.

Father Dougal:
Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!

Father Ted:
Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?

Father Jack:
DRINK! DRINK! (after a few seconds of silence and staring directly at the camera, he breaks the fourth wall) FECK OFF!

(Father Dougal, walks in to the living room. He has shaving cream all over his face)

Father Ted:
Er.. Dougal? There's some shaving cream just there (points to his own face)

(Dougal looks carefully at Ted's face)

Father Dougal:
No there's not Ted. No. You're grand.

Father Ted:
No. On You.

Father Dougal:
Where exactly Ted?

Father Ted:
Dougal it's all over the place.

(Dougal walks over to a mirror)

Father Dougal:
How on earth did all that get there? I didn't even shave this morning! (Towels face)

(Dougal walks over to the window to check the weather)

Father Dougal:
(Smiling) God it's lovely out!

(A tropical hurricane is destroying things outside)

(Dougal is at the window looking through binoculars. Somehow he is able to see a close-up of an ants nest)

Father Dougal:
The ants are back Ted!

(Father Jack Hackett is dreaming of his past. It is a sepia toned memory of him working in a catholic girls school)

(In the memory, Jack is accompanied by a nun, and is standing in front of a blackboard with "Natural Procreation" written on it)

Nun:
Girls (claps hands) Pay attention, we've got a special treat today.

(Father Jack is looking quite lecherous)

Nun:
Father Hackett has very kindly volunteered to take you all for volleyball practice.

(The schoolgirls roll their eyes. They know what Jack's like)

Nun:
And he's just reminded me that it's very warm today, so there'll be no need for your tracksuit tops.

(Father Jack tries not to grin)

(Ted is recovering from a fright because he thought he saw a vision of Mary. It was actually Dougal moving a statue of Mary at the window)

Father Dougal:
Ted, I'm so sorry. It was just a joke.

Father Ted:
Try to avoid doing that again Dougal. I thought it was really... Herself. It's the last thing I need!

Father Dougal:
You're right there Ted.

(Dougal is about to take Father Jack for a walk. Dougal asks him if he is coming too)

Father Dougal:
You're not coming yourself?

Father Ted:
(Evasively) No, I think I'll stay here and... pray for a while.

(Dougal becomes suspicious)

Father Dougal:
What are you after Ted?

(Funland, located at the Island's field, has opened)

Announcer:
Patrons are reminded that parking facilities are unavailable. That's a reminder of the unavailability of the parking facilities.

Attractions at Funland include:

Freak Pointing (a person sits in a chair and people point at him)

The Ladder (a standard wooden ladder that people can climb up under strict supervision)

Whirly Go Round (a circular platform that people can stand on which slowly rotates)

The Pond of Terror (an infant-sized wading pool with a plastic crocodile in it)

Goading the Fierce Man (people are encouraged to approach a large man on a step ladder)

Car Rides (people are driven around the edge of the field in a car)

Leading animals around with buckets on their head

The Spider Baby (a spider in a pram)

The Spinning Cat (a stuffed cat placed on a record player)

The Cradle of Death (people on a chair are lifted up by a crane)

Tarot Card Reading

Duck Startling (which somehow involves pigs)

The Tunnel of Goats (which is slightly dangerous to children, nurses and goats)

(Ted is annoyed that Father Dougal and Father Jack are at Funland)

Father Ted:
You're supposed to be taking Father Jack for his walk!

Father Dougal:
Well, um, the cliffs were closed for the rest of the day.

Father Ted:
How would cliffs be closed Dougal?

Father Dougal:
Okay, no, it wasn't that. They were gone!

Father Ted:
(disbelieving) The cliffs were gone? How can they just disappear?

Father Dougal:
Erosion.

(Dougal is annoyed that he has to go back home from Funland and is arguing with Ted)

Father Dougal:
Everyone else is here!

Father Ted:
Dougal. You're a priest. You're supposed to show some decorum.

Father Dougal:
(barely audible) I wish I wasn't a priest.

Father Ted:
(shocked) What?

Father Dougal:
I wish I wasn't a priest.

Father Ted:
(motions towards father Jack in the wheelchair) Dougal! What if Jack heard you say that?

Father Dougal:
He told me one time he doesn't even believe in God!

(Ted has drawn three consecutive death cards from the tarot deck)

Fortune Teller:
This is really weird. There's only supposed to be one in each pack!

(Dougal is interviewed on television, discussing the Christian faith)

Father Dougal:
So... God. Does he really exist? I mean, who knows? I don't know. Personally I don't even believe in organised religion!

(Father Stone, Ted and Jack are in the living room. Nobody is talking)

Father Ted:
Are you sure you won't have any tea Paul?

Father Stone:
No, I'm fine.

(long pause)

Father Ted:
Right. Would you like me to turn on the television?

Father Stone:
No thanks. I'm fine.

Father Ted:
Right

(another long pause)

Father Ted:
Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently?

Father Stone:
No.

Father Ted:
I was thinking what would he be? Would he be eighty now?

Father Stone:
I suppose so.

Father Dougal:
(curious about their new guest) Who is it Ted?

Father Ted:
Now Dougal... don't over-react.

Father Dougal:
Fair enough.

(Ted takes a long drag on a cigarette to calm himself)

Father Ted:
Right. (long pause). It's Father Stone.

(Dougal faints and falls to the floor)

Father Ted:
Dougal, get up.

Father Dougal:
(gets up) Whoah Ted. No, not him!

Father Ted:
It's him all right.

Father Dougal:
God almighty!

Father Ted:
I know!

Father Dougal:
Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time!

Father Ted:
I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a mustache!

Father Ted:
[As Jack is wheeled past on a gurney] There he is. What's today's emergency, Doctor?

Doctor:
We're not sure. I think it's a combination of Babycham and Harpic!

(Father Stone is still in hospital)

Father Ted:
(praying at Father Stone's hospital bed) Please! I swear! I'll look after him for the rest of my days. Please, just do this one thing!

(looks over at Father Stone, who has not moved)

Father Ted:
(prays again) Ah Come on! Please, please, I swear...

(Father Stone miraculously rises out of the bed)

Father Ted:
Paul! You're back! Oh Lord it's a miracle!

(Ted turns and calls out)

Father Ted Doctor!

(Ted turns back to Father Stone)

Father Ted:
Paul, can get I you anything at all?

Father Stone:
(looks over at Ted) No. I'm fine.

Father Dougal:
Looks like rain, Ted.

(Ted, Dougal, and the visiting Father Jose Fernandez are playing Cluedo)

Father Fernandez:
[translated in voiceover] I think it was... the Reverend Green, with the knife, in the drawing room.

Father Ted:
Ha, those Protestants. Up to no good as usual.

(Hardly anyone has turned up to watch the film. Michael, the cinema owner, is giving an introduction)

Michael:
Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to say how we have a real treat in store for all ye fans of French cinema.

Old Woman:
Is it subtitled?

Michael:
Pardon?

Old Woman:
Is it subtitled or is it dubbed?

Michael:
It’s subtitled.

Old Woman:
Ah Jaysus! (leaves)

Bishop Brennan:
Now, Jack, where are we gonna send you, huh? Jack, wake up!

Father Ted:
Bishop, I wouldn't do that!

Bishop Brennan:
You shut up. Jack! Wake up!

Father Jack:
[Suddenly, Jack opened his right eye, revealing his cataracted eye before violently punches Bishop Brennan in the face] FECK OFF!

Bishop Brennan:
(Now shocked and angry, along with a severe nosebleed in his nostrils) I got you all, Jack! I got you! Oh, my God! If you think this place is bad, wait ‘til you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE!!! (He storms off)

Father Ted:
[annoyed] I'll just have to go as Mother Teresa again! [sits down]

Father Jack:
Who are you supposed to be?

Father Ted:
Elvis. I'm Elvis.

Father Jack:
I'm Elvis.

Father Ted:
I know you're Elvis, Father, we're all Elvis. That's the problem!

(In the dressing room after the show, Dick Byrne is there to pay Ted the lost bet)

Father Dick Byrne:
(Dressed in blackface and drag as Diana Ross) Five pounds Ted. (hands Ted money)

Father Ted:
(Smiles) Hard luck Dick.

Father Cyril McDuff:
(Dressed in blackface and drag as one of The Supremes) Did we not win Dick?

Father Ted:
(Mocking) "No we didn't win Cyril!". This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island!

(Dougal makes faces at Cyril)

Father Ted:
Never mind. I give you every chance of winning next year.

Father Dick Byrne:
Do you really Ted?

Father Ted:
NOOOOO!

Father Dick Byrne:
Come on Cyril, let's go home.

Father Jim Johnson:
(enters the room drunk and muttering) Where's the fecking whiskey?

Father Dick Byrne:
Plenty of whiskey at home father!

(Dick and Cyril lead Father Jim out the door and exit)

Father Dougal:
That Cyril McDuff's an awful eejit isn't he Ted?

(Nuns are giggling at Ted's joke)

Father Ted:
Anyway the thing is I might not be able to say this evening's Mass.

(Nuns suddenly go silent)

Sister Assumpta:
(aggressively) What Father?

Father Ted:
I have something quite important to do.

Sister Assumpta:
Not more important than saying Mass Father?

Father Ted:
It's just. Someone I know is dying.

Sister Assumpta:
Oh dear. Is it serious?

(Mrs Doyle is complaining about the language used in modern novels)

Mrs. Doyle:
It's a bit much for me, Father. "Feck this" and "Feck that."

Father Ted:
Yes, Mrs Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle:
"You big bastard." Oh, dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse than feck. You know the one I mean.

Father Ted:
Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle:
"F you" "F your effing wife." Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole," that was another one!

Father Ted:
I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle:
"Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards.

Father Ted:
Is it Mrs Doyle? Anyway --

Mrs. Doyle:
"You Bastard", "You Fecker", "You bollocks", "Get your bollocks out of my face!"

Father Ted:
Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.

Mrs. Doyle:
"Ride me sideways" was another one!

(Ted and Dougal have suggested to Sister Monica that they visit some of the sights on Craggy island)

Sister Monica:
That's wonderful. I'll just go and freshen up.

(Sister Monica leaves the room)

Father Dougal (to Ted):
She'll be putting on makeup I suppose... to impress the lads. Huh?

Father Ted:
Ah no she's probably just going to the toilet.

Father Dougal :
Ah, nuns are great though Ted. It's good because you don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women do you?

Father Ted:
Ah you're right there.

Father Dougal :
Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago, it's nice to have a nun around. It gives the place a bit of glamour!

Father Ted:
"A woman's touch" (nods head)

(Father Dougal suddenly gets serious and looks at Ted suspiciously)

(later..)

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica):
Ted says you were touching him!

(Father Jack's wake has begun. Various priests and nuns are in the living room)

Sister Monica:
I think it's absolutely great to see. I mean, the level of commitment amongst the African church in bringing the faith to the people is just wonderful! It's marvellous, isn't it?

Black priest:
Sure I wouldn't know, I'm from Donegal.