Game of Thrones, Season 1

[Tyrion confessing his crimes]

Tyrion Lannister:
Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I'm a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated. Gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe. She was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. If I close my eyes, I can still see her tits bouncing. When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle's boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged and I escaped justice. When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry! [makes masturbation gestures] Into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did. Once I brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

Lysa Arryn:
Silence!

Robin Arryn:
What happened next?

Lysa Arryn:
What do you think you're doing?

Tyrion Lannister:
Confessing my crimes.

Catelyn Stark:
Lord Tyrion, you are accused of hiring a man to slay my son Bran in his bed, and of conspiring to murder my sister's husband Lord Jon Arryn, the Hand of the King.

Tyrion Lannister:
Oh, I'm very sorry. I don't know anything about all that.