It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3

Lawyer:
I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.

Dennis:
That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?

Dee:
No, just get to the reading part.

Frank:
Get on with it, man. Let's go.

Lawyer:
All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?

Frank:
Yo!

Lawyer:
OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."

Dennis:
What?!

Dee:
What?!

Frank:
Bruce Mathis?!

Lawyer:
[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."

Frank:
You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?

Lawyer:
You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.

Dee:
Why are you giving it to him?!

Lawyer:
I'm not--

Dee:
She barely even knew him!

Lawyer:
Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.

Frank:
Where is that rat bastard?!

Lawyer:
Sir, I don't know!

Frank:
'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!

Dennis:
Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!

Lawyer:
You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."

Dennis:
Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.

Lawyer:
"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."

Dennis:
I would never let him in.

Frank:
What?!

Lawyer:
Deandra?

Dee:
Yes.

Lawyer:
"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."

Dee:
A mistake? We're twins.

Lawyer:
Yeah...

Dee:
We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.

Frank:
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!

Lawyer:
Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!

Dee:
Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.

Frank:
You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!

Dee:
Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?

Lawyer:
It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.

Dee:
Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!

Frank:
Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!

Dee:
Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...

Frank:
Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

Lawyer:
These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...

Dennis:
[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.

Lawyer:
You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...

Dennis:
[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]

Lawyer:
Mmm-hmm, 'kay.

[Dennis leaves]

Lawyer:
[to himself] Jesus Christ.